


Fallen Star

by backtothestart02



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Divergent, Established Relationship, Extreme angst, F/M, Romance, implied wally/jesse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8483893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backtothestart02/pseuds/backtothestart02
Summary: Post 3x05 - Canon Divergent - Iris ignoring the threat of danger in pursuit of her stories drives Barry to his limit. Can the two acknowledge their stubborn streaks and forge a compromise? Or is their relationship not strong enough to resolve the tension rising between them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This presumably takes place sometime after Barry and Iris have become a couple, ignoring any specific timeframe of end-of-the-world crossovers, moving in, or impending ILYs and first time sex spoilers that have been floating around. It is inspired solely from the speculation of this type of struggle arising at some point, which was inspired in and of itself by Zack Stentz (a writer from the show, if anyone is unaware) vaguely alluding to it happening later in the season.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Thank you to my lovely friend and beta, sendtherain, for giving this a look over before I posted. :)

“Is this really happening right now?” Her fingers clutched the fabric of the couch tightly.

Barry wasn’t sitting beside her, wasn’t standing near her, was on the other side of the room, his eyes dry and starting to burn. It was only a matter of time before the tears emerged. He couldn’t make himself answer her, but he knew it was inevitable. This conversation had to be had, and as much as it broke his heart, he knew it wouldn’t end well.

“I-”

“ _Barry_ ,” she spat, same time as he stuttered. She hadn’t heard him. They heard so little of what either of them said lately. It was all a haze amidst the frustration.

Iris stared at the floor, unable to make herself look at him. The nails on her other hand dug into the skin on the palm of her hand.

“You can’t let me-”

“I can’t stop worrying about you, Iris,” he finally said, exasperated. He ran a hand over his face and let his emotions spill over. “I’m the guy that is supposed to be running around saving people. What, am I supposed to make an exception with you just because you like the thrill of danger?”

She stood to her feet immediately, anger blazing out of her eyes as she finally pinned a glare on him.

“It is not the _thrill_ of _danger_ that drives me to chase after these stories.” She scoffed. “I can’t believe you would-” She shook her head. “You’re supposed to understand, Barry. You – of _all_ people-”

“I _do_ , Iris, I do-”

“You _don’t_!” she cried out.

He hated how her voice hitched. Iris could hold back tears when she was angry. The fact that they were threatening to fall meant he had really screwed up. He couldn’t help how he felt, though. He couldn’t just agree with her and let her be because it was what she wanted.

“This is my job.”

“To get yourself _killed_?” He took a step towards her, more menacing than she’d ever seen him. “I won’t let that happen,” he said firmly. “Even if I have to speed you away _every fucking time_ you decide to test whether or not you’re faster than a bullet.”

Iris’s eyes widened. Barry never swore. _Ever_. He always found another way to say things, or he was in control enough to walk out and come back later when he’d calmed down a little. She was pushing him to his breaking point. Fair enough, because he’d pushed her to hers long ago.

“I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept me as I am, who doesn’t let me be who I need to be, who doesn’t embrace my passion to help people and let me do everything in my power to put the bad guys away.”

His sharp, quiet gasp was not lost on her, but these words needed to be said. He had to choose.

“I didn’t think that was going to be a problem for you.” She swallowed. “For _us_.”

He wanted to console her. He wanted to apologize and tell her he’d change, that he wouldn’t deter her from doing what she needed to do, and would only come to her rescue if there was absolutely no way to escape.

But what if one time he didn’t find out she needed that rescue until it was too late? What if he was busy saving somebody else or stopping some other metahuman, and the next thing he knew Iris was in the hospital, or worse – dead, gone from his life forever? He wouldn’t be able to bear it. He would lose all purpose. He would let the world go up in flames. He would fall into such a dark place that he’d never be able to climb out of it. He’d be afraid to time travel, because he was convinced now that made everything worse. But what could be worse than losing the woman he loved more than anything else before they had even made that 2024 newspaper a reality, before they could become husband and wife?

He couldn’t cave. He couldn’t. If she hated him forever, if she cut off all ties, it would break him. But if she was just gone from existence, if he could never even see her again, even at a distance… He would never recover.

“Barry?”

Her voice was not angry or demanding now. It was broken. It was vulnerable. It despaired. She knew the moment was upon them as much as he did and she didn’t want to say the words. She didn’t want what was going to happen to unfold itself right there in that moment. Because he was her everything, and even though she’d been careful, she’d come to really believe this would work itself out.

“This is really happening,” he said, his voice shallow and shaky. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t cried a single tear yet. It would probably happen later, he guessed, when she was gone and he was alone.

She felt the moisture on her cheeks before she realized they were tears, until it dawned on her that her heart had cracked and nothing was being said or done to fix it.

She stood to her feet and stared at him until he looked her in the eye.

“You’re willing to lose this – to lose _all_ of it. You’d rather keep me locked up with some false sense of free will, make me angry all the time, make me wish you had _never_ become the Flash, watch me move on with _someone else_ …”

She knew those words burned. She saw him flinch, even if he didn’t look away from her.

“I just want you to be happy-”

“Bullshit.”

He shut his eyes and looked away, his heart aching for her, for him, for them, for all of this.

“I’m not happy now, and _you’re_ the reason why.”

Silence hung in the air, twisting in the sharp tension between them.

“I guess this was a mistake then,” he forced himself to say. He didn’t let himself look at her, wouldn’t let himself see the anguish on her face. It would only magnify his pain and he wouldn’t be able to stand it.

“We’re not _meant to be_ , Iris.” He looked at her, so she would be convinced. He tried to look past the tears that were flowing freely down her face. He tried to shut off his emotions so he could just finish this. “I’m just the guy that loves you, but I can’t love you the way you want to be loved. If the only way to keep you safe is to end this, then…”

He held his breath, saw she was holding hers too, and desperately wished there was some way out of this other than lying to himself and to her, other than changing who he was or even thinking of changing her. He would never stop worrying about her. She was everything he had ever wanted and more. She was his whole world. He’d never expected them to get to this place, and he could have never foreseen himself being the one to make this life-altering decision, but here it was.

“Then what, Barry?” she whispered.

He closed his eyes and the first of his tears seeped out.

“Then it ends,” he said, and opened his eyes. “It’s over, Iris.”

Her bottom lip trembled, but she wouldn’t let herself dissolve any more in front of him. She turned and found her jacket, found her purse, slipped on her shoes and went out the door. She didn’t slam it or shut it at all. It hung open and the cool air wafted in.

Barry felt the chill on the other side of the room.

A ping went off on his cell phone and he fished it out of his pocket.

**_Gift exchange with Iris!_ **

He closed his eyes, pushed past his limit.

Tomorrow was Christmas. There would be no gift exchange now. There might not be one ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first wrote this, I debated just leaving it as this one chap, but since then my head is started to spin with ideas of what might come next, so I'm turning it into a multi-chap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the long wait - especially to guest reviewer, bruna, I know you've been waiting for this. Hopefully it lives up to your expectations.
> 
> *Big thanks to sendtherain again for being such a wonderful beta.

Christmas 2016.

They were supposed to be together this year.

Last year he’d been with Patty. The year before Iris had been with Eddie.

This year it was supposed to be _them_.

He’d waited all his life to be with Iris West. To be with her until they were both old and gray. To have it end just shy of their seven-month anniversary, and on Christmas Eve no less, felt like a cruel and unusual punishment.

But Barry had chosen it. He had chosen Iris’s safety over his panic and her happiness. Now he was going to spend Christmas alone.

“No, Joe,” he told him over the phone, not bothering to hide the weariness in his voice. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to come over this year.”

“It’s _Christmas_ , Bear,” the older man insisted. “You guys can stop fighting for one evening, can’t you?”

“We’re not just fighting. We broke up.”

Silence hung in the air.

“Look, Joe, you and Iris didn’t speak for what - six months at least? Now, I don’t know, but I assume that means you didn’t spend Christmas together last year. You should have that chance.”

“Bear-”

“ _No_ , Joe.” He sighed. “I know you want both of us there and you want us to be happy, but…I really think this is the best way to do things for right now. You can always stop by later if you want to say hey. I’m sure Cisco will too.”

Joe’s shallow breathing could be heard, but that was it.

“Look, I gotta go…do stuff.” He didn’t know what. He’d planned to spend the whole morning being lazy and affectionate and generous with Iris. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said. “Merry Christmas.”

Joe still didn’t say anything, but Barry hung up anyway. It was getting too painful.

He tossed his phone to the side and looked up at the lit up Christmas tree that was only half-decorated with ornaments. (Iris had insisted he let her do those. “You can’t rush Christmas decorations!” she’d said & he’d let her be with a good-natured chuckle.)

He didn’t know if he’d even bother himself with finishing putting them on the tree. It’d feel like ignoring the fact that Iris was gone. Yet leaving it undone was a reminder of what had happened.

He and Iris were through.

…

 

_Laughter could be heard from down the hall. Two voices. A man and a woman’s. The woman’s definitely belonged to Iris, but Barry couldn’t make out who the man she was laughing with was. For some reason his need to know who it was overpowered any and all logic that tried to thwart him._

_He tossed aside the light blanket onto the couch and started down the hall. The laughter ceased at some points, causing him to stall, but it always started up again; and with it, Barry’s unquenchable thirst to see what was so funny and what kind of man could make his girlfriend laugh like that._

_Every step seemed to take him farther away from where they were. It was at that moment it dawned on him he might be dreaming._

_He shook his head, pinched himself, tried to speed away – but couldn’t. Terror gripped him. He could feel sweat dripping down his neck. And right at that moment, the laughter turned unbearably loud and he was suddenly standing outside the room of its origin._

_He pushed open the door that was cracked open and stepped inside. First, all he saw was an old record player. Relief washed over him briefly when it became clear that’s where the sound had been coming from. It also explained why it might have occasionally stopped. But only if someone had stopped it, or if it had been listened to so many times that it skipped._

_But who would do that?_

_Barry lifted the tone arm up slightly and to the side, so the record would stop playing. There was silence for a moment, and he thought maybe he would get lucky enough to wake up._

_But then another sound reached his ear from the opposite side of the room. He sensed movement and followed it with a turn._

_There, suddenly before him, was a king-sized bed. And intertwined in each other beneath the sheets was Iris and her dearly departed, Eddie Thawne._

_Barry caught his breath._

_“I’m dreaming. I have to be dreaming.”_

_The vision of Iris before him caught his gaze and he couldn’t look away._

_“Oh, but you’re not.”_

_She peeled back the silk sheet she’d been twisting beneath and walked toward him. Barry was aware of Eddie staring after her hungrily and felt a tide of nausea sweep over him._

_“I am,” Barry repeated, as if it would help trying to convince the dream versions of Iris and Eddie to believe anything his subconscious didn’t want them to. “I’m, he’s—”_

_He started to look towards the bed, but Eddie was no longer there. His brows furrowed, wanting to find logic in the confusing scene before him, but then Iris’s hand was on his face, turning him gently to look at her._

_“Kiss me, Barry,” she whispered._

_Her voice was a siren’s song. It beckoned him and washed all reason from its shaky place in the mind of his dream world._

_He hesitated a little, but when her hand curled around his neck, sifting through the hairs at the base of it, his lips descended on hers. He kissed her, urgently, passionately, desperately, and with tears because it wasn’t real yet he needed it. He needed one last kiss from Iris West._

_Without warning, the pressure of her lips was gone. The feeling of her arms wrapped around his was gone. Her body flush up tightly against his was gone._

_He opened his eyes and saw her near the head of the bed. Eddie was back under the covers again, waiting for Iris to return to him._

_“Iris?” Barry breathed._

_She put her hand in Eddie’s and set one knee on the edge of the bed._

_“You ended things, Barry. You did this.”_

_Barry swallowed hard and watched as the love of his life crawled into bed with her former lover. He watched as she kissed him and wrapped herself around him._

_“Eddie’s dead,” he managed, though he could barely force the word out. “This isn’t real.”_

_Iris broke away from the kiss and turned to look at him over her shoulder._

_“He’s just a stand-in,” she said simply with a shrug._

_Before the words left her mouth the vision of Eddie turned to Cisco. Barry coughed and tears welled in his eyes._

_“Cisco?” he asked incredulously. He could hardly breathe._

_The vision changed again, this time to Julian._

_“Julian?” Barry’s eyes widened, horrified as Iris stroked Julian’s hair. He saw her dip her hand beneath the sheets and golower. The look of ecstasy on Julian’s face was enough to tell him what was happening._

_“No.” Barry shut his eyes tightly and turned away from the scene. “No, no, no. This isn’t real. Cisco wouldn’t do that to me. Julian has a girlfriend. And he wouldn’t be that petty. I don’t think. I don’t know. You wouldn’t. I-”_

_Her presence appeared before him again, making his eyes flash open._

_“Wouldn’t I? You asked for this when you broke up with me, when you had no objection to seeing me move on with someone else. It may not be your best friend or your nemesis, but there are plenty of fish in the sea. I will scoop up one of them.”_

_He felt the air being sucked from his lungs at that statement, but before he could respond she faded away again. He turned around and found the room empty and cold. No Iris, no Eddie, no Cisco, no bed, no sheets, no record player, no record. Just emptiness._

Then he woke up.

Barry blinked and looked around the room, looked down his body and found the light blanket still laying haphazardly over his too long frame. He saw the Christmas tree half-decorated, only the colored strand of lights completed because Iris was too tall to reach to the top of the tree, so she insisted he should do it right away.

Still hazy, Barry heard a sharp rap of knocks at the door, which startled him so much that he fell onto the floor.

“Barry?” came Cisco’s voice from behind the wooden door. A chill settled in his gut as the vision from his dream flashed before him. Another set of knocks jolted him back into reality. “Barry Allen, open this door.” A pause. “I know you’re in there.”

With a sigh and a groan, Barry managed to get to his feet and fling open the door, repeating the mantra to himself that Cisco would never betray him by dating Iris.

A disgruntled, disappointed, impatient Cisco stood before him. Much to Barry’s relief, he was alone.

Without asking permission, Cisco marched past his best friend, stopped at the Christmas tree and was turned around with one eyebrow raised by the time Barry had closed the door and returned to him.

“This tree looks _pathetic_ , Allen.”

Barry searched for explanations, both truthful and otherwise. _Iris was going to finish it. Iris wanted to wait. I was going to get around to it. I was working on it right before you got here. I was… I was… She was… She was…_ But none of them reached his lips.

Cisco slumped in on himself before Barry had come up with something believable to say or registered anything outside of his own present miserable state of mind.

“Joe told me what happened,” he said gently.

Barry blinked and looked up at him.

“ _Joe_ told you?” he asked, confused.

“Yeah, at the party you didn’t show up to. It would’ve been nice if _you_ had told me, of course. You know, _me_ , your _best friend_ , the guy you tell _everything_ to? I did not really appreciate being so blindsided that I—”

“The party…” Barry’s eyebrows furrowed, not hearing the rest. “The party…”

“The annual West Christmas party? The one you told Joe you were refusing to go to because things would be too awkward with you and Iris in the same room?” Cisco expounded, exasperated.

Barry ran a hand through his hair, landing on the back of his head, his mind spinning.

_How long had he been asleep?_

He dug through the couch cushions, found his phone, and gaped at the time blinking back at him.

9:45 p.m.

“Jesus,” he muttered under his breath.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’s not overly thrilled you missed the party either,” Cisco snickered with arms folded across his chest.

Barry spun around and looked at his best friend, at a loss for words again.

“Was anyone trying to get a hold of me?”

Cisco raised his eyebrows. “Check your phone.”

Barry did. Three missed calls. Five texts. Two voice messages. One from Iris.

A lump formed in his throat, one he couldn’t get rid of.

“ _Don’t_ -” Cisco warned when Barry’s finger hovered over the delete button for Iris’s message.

Barry turned to look at him, eyes alight with surprise.

“Don’t what?”

Cisco scoffed and closed the distance between them.

“You _know_ what. You were going to delete Iris’s message without even listening to it.”

Barry swallowed and looked back at the phone, his finger still frozen in mid-air above it.

“It’s probably angry,” he explained. “Or she’s crying. Or she’s numb and neutral and hating me. That might be the worst.”

“Or she might want to pick up some of her stuff,” Cisco suggested.

“On Christmas?” Barry asked.

Cisco shrugged. “Why not? You ditched the one event you’ve been to without fail since you were eleven. She’s allowed some petty revenge too.”

Barry’s brows narrowed. “It wasn’t petty revenge. Joe and Iris were at odds last year. They didn’t get Christmas. I was trying to give it to them without having the big elephant in the room staring at them.”

“Got news for you, bro.” He reached up and put a hand on Barry’s shoulder. “Christmas isn’t Christmas for them unless you’re there.”

Barry shook him off and started to pace.

“It would’ve only made Iris more upset. I don’t want that.”

“You didn’t seem to have a problem making her upset by breaking up with her.”

Barry turned around suddenly, his eyes wide with understanding.

“You’re here on Iris’s behalf. To yell at me.”

“Someone has to. Caitlin’s not going to. She’s too forgiving and understanding. And you’re like a son to Joe. There’s no way he would.”

“And Wally’s not qualified?” he pushed. “As her brother, I would think he’d feel more justified than you would.”

“Because I’m your best friend and not _hers_?” he asked icily.

“Because he’s her _brother_ ,” Barry spat, then sighed, annoyed at how the conversation had escalated and in what direction. “Look, I don’t know what you expect me to do. I’m already suffering enough.” He didn’t tell him about the dream; didn’t want that to become any more real.

“Unbreak-up with her!” Cisco said. “Then we can all go back to the way things were. I guarantee you if you grovel and make some promises that you _mean_ to follow through on, Iris will come running back into your arms.”

“But I wouldn’t _mean_ them, Cisco.”

Cisco slumped in on himself.

“I thought you loved her, Barry.”

“I do.”

“More than anyone. Enough to get past all this.”

Barry didn’t respond to that.

Cisco sighed and headed for the door, evidently concluding that nothing he could say would change Barry’s mind.

“Do me one favor,” he said just before leaving.

Warily, Barry turned to face him, only barely managing to make eye contact.

“What?”

“Finish decorating your damn Christmas tree.”

Half-hearted smiles appeared on both of their faces, but they were gone only seconds later. So was Cisco. So was any other social interaction Barry would have for the rest of the night.

Barry turned to look at the Christmas tree, glittering with lights, star-less, adorned with only half the intended ornaments. He shook his head, tears filling his eyes.

“Merry Christmas, Iris,” he whispered.

Then he took down the decorations.

In a flash.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update. Thank you all for your patience. I am going to make an extra effort to only be updating this particular multi-chap (aside from the occasional 2-3 parter) until it's finished. 
> 
> *Many thanks to my beta, sendtherain, who always gives her absolute all in her edits and helping me brainstorm. She is forever the best. <3

The Monday after Christmas, which was really only one day later and far too soon to come back to work as far as she was concerned, Iris sat at her desk in her own personal office only vaguely aware of what she was actually doing.

Which was nothing.

Her computer was on with a blank document open before her. Internet browsers were minimized with nothing but the CCPN website and a Google search. She couldn’t remember what story she was supposed to be looking into, couldn’t even remember what time it was or if she’d taken a break yet. Probably not. She only took lunch breaks usually. At least, she thought that was her norm. Today anything was possible.

The click-click-clicking of her pen as it bounced on and off the desk was eventually interrupted by the light knock on the door.

The new sound came again, this time against the door frame, which meant the door had been opened. Vaguely she wondered why she hadn’t felt some sort of breeze gush past her ankles or the tendrils of hair coming undone in her sloppy braid.

“Iris.”

She blinked, turned slowly around and fought hard to register who was before her.

“Iris?”

The concern was warranted probably. She was so out of it, so sleep-deprived from a night without happiness, a Christmas without Barry – the first in over fifteen years! Anyone who cared about her at all would worry, and Linda didn’t even know about the break up.

“Hey!” Linda snapped her fingers in front of Iris’s face after closing the office door behind her. “Earth to Iris?” She propped herself on the edge of her desk and stared her down, softening when Iris’s blank stare didn’t alter. “Babe?”

Iris closed her eyes and told herself to get her act together. She couldn’t stay in her head all day, not even involuntarily. She had to do work. She had to…

“Christmas not go well?” Linda smoothed down one of Iris’s curls.

“Barry and I broke up.”

Linda’s hand dropped down and landed in her lap. The silence was deafening.

“ _What_?” she finally managed, the word a heated whisper.

Iris nodded once and opened her eyes.

“Yep.”

Linda scoffed. “Why the hell would Barry Allen break up with you? You’re the total package.”

“Apparently I’m being too reckless by doing my job. Since I said I wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t be with someone who tried to make me stop, he decided to break up with me.”

Linda’s eyes were flaming darts.

“ _Bastard_.”

“Yeah, well…”

“When did he break up with you? Don’t tell me he did on Christmas.”

“Christmas Eve,” she replied, sarcasm and hurt clear as day in her eyes and fake smile.

Linda’s face fell. She looked as distraught as Iris felt.

“Oh, honey.” She got on her knees and hugged her best friend. “This absolutely sucks. I’m so sorry.”

Iris swallowed, still numb, tears still not falling. Linda pulled back to look into her eyes.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“You were in Denver with your family, Lin. I didn’t want to interrupt that.”

“Fat ass excuse, and you know it, Iris. You’re my best friend and my family annoys the hell out of me. Consoling you over a forced family dinner where no one really agrees with anyone but we all pretend like we do for the sake of the holiday? I’d take you any day, even if it’s for a rotten reason.”

Iris swallowed and nodded. Linda hugged her again.

“Did it absolutely ruin your whole Christmas? Was there nothing to salvage?”

Iris’s shaky sigh broke Linda even more. Her heart ached for her best friend.

“I didn’t see him all day, Lin. I’ve spent every Christmas with him since we were eleven. Over fifteen years and not one Christmas without him. It absolutely wrecked me.” Her breath hitched.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Linda declared. She got to her feet. “I’m going to march over to CCPD right now, and not even his speed will avert my wrath forever.”

Iris reached out and grabbed her best friend’s wrist before she could take off.

“No, Lin, don’t.” She took a breath. “Please.”

Linda’s brows furrowed. “Why not? He hurt you. He deserves to pay for it.”

“Maybe.” Her shoulders slumped. “But not today. Today I just want to forget. I can’t even work, and I’m so…so frustrated by that. I love work. I can’t get enough of it. But today, I just…”

“You should’ve called in sick.”

“And do what? Stay home staring out my window like I did all night? Wondering what he’s doing and if he’s as miserable as I am or if he just feels plain relieved that he doesn’t have to try and restrain himself anymore?”

“I’m sure he’s not _relieved_ , Iris.”

“Some part of him might be.”

“It’s not like you’re going to stop doing your work. He has to know you’re going to go out there again.”

“And he’ll be there to stop me when I do,” she grumbled, irritated by that fact for the first time since their big fight.

“Did he say that?”

“I think it was implied.”

“What were his _exact_ words?” she demanded.

Iris sighed and leaned back in her chair, forcing herself to remember the conversation that had plagued her for the last forty-eight hours and desperately wanted to forget just so she could keep living.

“I believe his exact words were…’I won’t let that happen. Even if I have to speed you away _every fucking time_ you decide to test whether or not you’re faster than a bullet.’”

Linda’s jaw dropped. “He swore?”

Iris nodded once. “He swore.”

“Dang.” She leaned against the side of Iris’s desk. “Guess that means he’s serious.”

Iris sighed. “If I’d had any doubt, him not showing up at our Christmas party sure proved me wrong.”

“Ugh. This totally sucks, Iris.” She folded her arms tightly against her body.

Iris laughed. “You said that already.”

Linda’s lips twisted ruefully. “Sorry.”

Iris shook her head. “It’s alright. You’re not lying. It seriously does.”

She tilted her head. “How can I help?”

Iris nearly burst out crying.

“Get me through today, and then make sure I forget the worst day of my life as soon as we leave this building.”

“Deal.”

She held out her hand for Iris to shake on it, which she did. Then Linda darted out of the room, confusing Iris but then making her eyes sparkle as soon as she returned with two coffee cups in her hands.

“First step, caffeine.”

Iris held the cup close to her, taking comfort in the warmth teasing her nostrils and warming her hands.

“I did forget this morning. That’s a first.”

“That’s why you have me,” Linda informed her and bumped her cup with her own.

…

 

That evening when Joe opened his front door and found Barry standing there with a box marked _Iris’s things_ , he didn’t know whether to be concerned, angry, or confused.

He went with shocked.

“Bear. What are you doing here?” A thought occurred to him, and his eyes widened. “Are you—Are you coming for dinner?”

Barry almost laughed, but it was no laughing matter, so he shook his head instead.

“No, Joe, I just came to drop off Iris’s things.” He lifted the box slightly to show him, even though he knew Joe had seen it. The box was huge and Iris’s name on it was in big, bold permanent lettering. “I know she’s coming by later. I thought you could give them to her.”

Reluctantly Joe took the box from Barry.

“I wish you’d stay, Barry.”

“I _can’t_ , Joe.” His voice nearly disappeared for a second.

“Not even for me? I didn’t see you at all for Christmas. That hurt me too.”

Barry nodded, avoiding his eyes. “I know. I’m sorry about that. I just couldn’t…”

“We all missed you. Cisco, Caitlin…Wally…”

Barry blinked and looked up at him. “Wally missed me? I can’t picture that. He must want me dead.”

“Nobody knows, Bear.” He continued before Barry could interject, which he looked about to do. “Nobody knows except Cisco. He might’ve told Caitlin, but I didn’t break the news to Wally. It was clear Iris didn’t want anyone to know, but Cisco couldn’t get a hold of you. He almost left the party to check on you, which would’ve gotten Wally’s attention, I think, and—”

“I got it, Joe. It’s okay.”

“Did he visit you afterwards? He did leave a little early, and with no real explanation either. Caitlin wasn’t far behind him.”

Barry sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I didn’t see Caitlin last night, but I definitely saw Cisco. Neither of us were pleased to see each other.” His eyes shifted away from Joe’s sad ones for a moment. “Did, uh…the night wasn’t a complete waste, was it? Better than last year at least.”

Joe sighed and adjusted his grip on the box.

“I can’t tell you which one was worse, Bear. Last year when my daughter hated me so much she refused to have Christmas with me or this year when the two children I raised, who love each other more than life itself, were absolutely miserable and the one I saw couldn’t light a smile on her face even she wanted to.”

Barry closed his eyes, guilt flooding through him.

“I didn’t plan for it to happen on Christmas, Joe. The fight just happened, and I lost it.”

“You could try to talk your way through it, you know. Give her a couple days and then ask to have a talk. If you grovel, she’ll eventually take you back. She can’t live without you any more than you can live without her.”

Barry’s lips twisted. “Cisco said about the same thing.”

Joe’s eyes lit up, hope dangling before his eyes even though he sensed there wasn’t enough cause for it.

“Well?”

“I can’t, Joe. This fight was a long time coming. Iris isn’t going to stop risking her neck any more than I’m going to stop saving her before she gets herself killed. No matter how level-headed we are during our next conversation, those facts will not change.”

Joe’s shoulders slumped. “That’s why you broke up?”

Barry’s brows furrowed. “Yeah. Didn’t Iris tell you?”

He shook his head. “She barely said a word all evening. Just said that you did when I asked what was wrong for the zillionth time. I knew she wasn’t sick like she said. I know my daughter. That’s not sick. That’s heartsick.”

“I’m not trying to hurt her, Joe. You have to know that.”

“I know.” He nodded. “And I agree with you that she shouldn’t be running into danger. Nothing scares me more than any of my kids getting physically hurt, or worse.”

Barry swallowed hard, a vision of Iris at gunpoint just before he’d sped her away the last time literally seconds before the bullet hit her chest.

“Yeah,” he managed, “I know.”

He wanted to vent to Joe more about how Iris scared him with her persistent dash into the line of fire, but he didn’t want anyone else attacking her. Just because he had a temper in regards to it didn’t mean she had to get it from her dad too. Or her brother. She would learn soon enough that running into danger had its consequences, but not because someone yelled or she got hurt. She would learn by being saved over and over until it was drilled into her brain that her life meant more than a story. He refused to believe otherwise. Even if she hated him for the rest of her life, he would make that clear.

“You’re sure you won’t stay?” Joe ventured again, though he knew it was a lost cause.

“I won’t starve,” Barry said, as if that was what was behind Joe’s request.

Joe nodded, half-tempted to argue a little more, but knowing in his gut now was too soon. Having both his kids – or maybe all three – at the dinner table would be awkward as hell and might even result in a fight. Then Wally would know what was up and there would be a throw down. That was a toxic situation. Iris would tell her brother when she was good and ready.

“Right. Well, have a good night, Barry. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Barry gave a brisk nod.

“Night, Joe. I’ll see you at CCPD in the morning.”

Joe backed into the house and gently closed the door, deaf to Barry’s wretched sigh from the other side.

Barry raced away back to his apartment, which was cold and empty without Iris in it. He turned on the kitchen light, dropped his keys on the counter and reached into the cupboard for the stale cereal he’d bought a month ago, the only food in the whole place that didn’t have a touch of Iris on it. She hated the stuff, and once she said so, he’d instantly stopped eating it. She didn’t live in his apartment, but she was there so often that he implemented every suggestion and preference she made – from his food to his clothing to the shows he watched and where they went out to eat.

“ _You don’t have to change everything just because I say so, Bear_ ,” she’d remarked once, to which he’d grinned and shrugged and pulled her close.

“ _I like to see my girl smile. My girl doesn’t smile as much when she sees something she doesn’t like_.”

She’d laughed and rolled her eyes and kissed him. It was enough to never want to go back to anything he’d preferred before, anything at all that she didn’t love. And it was nothing he hadn’t generally liked before she’d declared her love for it. But now he loved all of it and it hurt like hell.

Iris was all over his apartment. Everywhere he looked he saw her and memories of them. Taking down the decorations off the half-decorated tree on Christmas and stuffing it in the trash as soon as he woke up the next morning hadn’t helped one bit. He’d taken out what she hadn’t touched. Now he was stuck with everything she had.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that I started writing this fic right after 3x05 aired, so anything that takes place after that point is canon divergent in this fic. You'll see what I've changed as time goes on, but if anything confuses you before it's explained, please don't hesitate to let me know and I will try to address it as best as I can without giving too much away
> 
> *Many thanks to sendtherain, my ever faithful beta. :)

“I got him.”

“Woo hoo!” Cisco pumped his fists. “You got him! You got the _thieeeef_.”

An awkward silence follow and Cisco cleared his throat.

“Glad you got him, Barry,” he said, softer this time, more normal.

“I’m going to hang here until the cops show up,” Barry said. He sounded tired. Too tired. “Unless you have anything else for me?”

Cisco shook his head until the odd look he got from Caitlin reminded him that Barry couldn’t see him.

“Uh, nope. No criminal activity showing up on our radar over here.”

“Good.”

Silence lingered again.

“Are you…going to come in after you hand the guy over?” Cisco asked, trying not to sound too hopeful, since he knew what the answer would be.

Barry sighed, the exhaustion clear again.

“No, I gotta get back to CCPD. Julian’s already suspicious enough as is. I can only come up with so many decent excuses to leave mid-morning when no new case has landed on our desks.”

Cisco nodded once. “Right. Well, we can celebrate later then.”

“I have to go now. The cops just showed up.”

Cisco’s lips parted, debating one last thing he could say, but the static click informed him that Barry had turned off his comm. Caitlin shook her head, reminding him that getting Barry to turn his com back on last time had not proved successful and likely wouldn’t this time either.

Cisco sighed and plopped into the chair beside Caitlin’s.

“Is it just me or is it more painful saving the bad guys all of a sudden?”

Silence ticked away again, but this time only briefly, because H.R. emerged from the hallway into the room and deposited a tray of bagels and carefully selected coffee drinks.

“Hey, guys, sorry it took so long. I…” He paused a moment to chuckle. “I overslept.” He nodded cheerily, smiling to himself. “I guess I didn’t realize how early criminals get up to commit crimes.”

Cisco’s brows narrowed. Caitlin blinked. Joe dragged his hand down his face. Wally brooded in the corner.

“I think you guys need some coffeeee,” H.R. said, lifting the drink tray enticingly. “Caffeine makes everything better.”

When no one made a move toward the much-needed drink display, H.R. took it upon himself to walk around to each of them and hand them their personalized beverages.

“Why is…Randolph crossed off on all of these?” Cisco asked, spotting the permanent marker first on his cup and then on Caitlin’s next to him. He saw Wally and Joe analyze their cups as well.

“Funny you should ask, Francisco. _Apparently_ , this earth requires you to give just one name when ordering drinks.” He ignored the incredulous looks of those around him. “Since none of you have my name, and here –” He paused to laugh. “Well, even _I_ don’t have my name!” He shook his head, clearly amused with himself. “I put all your names on there, so I would remember who belonged to what.”

He took a sip of his drink, then his head snapped back.

“Whoa-hoa-hoa, this is not mine.” He shook his head, walked over to Joe and took the drink out of his hand. “This is yours.” He dabbed his lips with a napkin.

Joe glanced down at the drink being held out to him, then back up at H.R. He forced a tight smile, so he wouldn’t be tempted to strangle the man being so naturally cheery when everyone else was anything but.

“I think I’ll just get some coffee at the station, thanks.”

Joe set the drink down he’d initially been given and turned to leave.

“W...Wait, Joe, come on, I mean…” He looked down at both drinks, briefly dumbfounded on how to fix the situation. “I barely touched it!”

“I should go, too,” Wally said, sounding as tired as Barry had.

H.R. spun around. “Wallace, no, please stay. Drink!”

But Wally was gone as quick as Joe had been. Cisco and Caitlin were back at their computers by the time he spun around. The elephant in the room parted from his lips as soon as he found his seat on a vacant chair on the far side of the room.

“Where is Iris?”

Caitlin typed faster on her computer, determined not to make eye contact. Cisco stopped what he was doing and glared at H.R.

“You’re an ass.”

H.R.’s eyes widened. He pointed to his chest, jaw dropped, shock evident.

“Yes, you.” Cisco got up from his seat and tossed the half-empty drink in the trash.

“Hey, now, that wasn’t necessary, was it?” H.R. complained.

Cisco walked up to him, then stopped, hands on his hips, trying for all intents and purposes to look menacing. H.R.’s smile waned some, and he figured he’d at least somewhat succeeded.

“Iris isn’t here because she’s at CCPN _working_.”

“Well, yeah, but she’s usually here some of the ti—”

“She and Barry have only been broken up a few days. Don’t you think she deserves to come in when she’s ready?”

“You can’t just…let personal feelings affect—”

Cisco raised his eyebrows.

“Well, you _can’t_.”

“She’s not getting paid to be here!”

H.R. flushed.

“I…I didn’t mean—”

“Go!” Cisco’s pointed towards the hallway.

“But what if Barry—”

“If Flash stuff happens you’ll know it.”

“Will you tell me?”

His eyebrows narrowed again. “ _Go_.”

Caitlin turned to Cisco after H.R. had left, eyeing him with concern.

“Do you think this will go on for a while?”

Cisco sighed. “Iris will come in when she’s good and ready.”

“That’s not what I meant,” she said softly.

Cisco met her gaze and sunk in on himself a little.

“I don’t know.”

…

 

When he heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hall, Julian mentally began to prepare himself. His partner – a loosely used term – was always showing up late or leaving early or leaving and coming back for extended period with no real solid explanation – he’d checked all the ‘calls from Singh’ or ‘emergencies in the break room.’ _What kind of possible emergency could a CSI tend to in a break room anyway?_ There was already a first aid kit in there.

Barry Allen had always rubbed him the wrong way from the moment they met, but he’d become increasingly odd in the last seven months, and now the annoyance Julian had felt for over a year had become even more unbearable.

Other than bite his tongue, inflict on him some scathing insult, and occasionally report him to the higher-ups (which rarely put even a dent into the golden boy’s reputation at the precinct), he had to accept the facts as they were.

Barry Allen wasn’t going anywhere, and he, Julian Albert, Head CSI of the Central City Police Department, was going to have to accept that.

That didn’t mean he had to like it though. And it didn’t mean he would ever give him a free pass.

So, when the footsteps stopped just short of entering the forensics lab, Julian didn’t even lift his head to address his co-worker on the delay in his return from ‘getting some coffee downstairs.’

“Did you run all the way to Coast City to get your coffee this morning, Allen, or was there just an extremely long line to—”

The sound of Joe West clearing his throat abruptly thickened the weight of his tongue in his mouth. He quickly turned to face who had entered the room. Barry was there with Detective Joe West, but so was Captain Singh.

“Detective West.” Julian stood to his feet and came around his desk to greet them, his chair scraping across the cement floor. “Captain Singh.”

“Mister Albert,” Captain Singh addressed him. “Would you mind coming with me to my office? I’d like to speak with you.”

Julian couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so flustered – or so professionally frightened.

“Am I… Are you going to terminate me?”

Singh raised his eyebrows. “Hardly. You’re the best CSI in the state.”

Julian saw Barry flinch out of the corner of his eye and took some satisfaction in that.

“It’s good news, not bad news.”

“Am I being… promoted?” Julian’s jaw dropped.

But Singh’s eyes only narrowed. “My office. Please.”

“Right.” He shook his head and grabbed a notepad from his desk before following the captain out of the room to his quarters.

When the sound of footsteps had dissipated, Barry wandered over to his desk and set his bag on the floor against it.

“What was that all about?” he asked Joe, who had meandered along after him.

“What – Singh?”

Barry nodded, not offering anything more.

Joe shrugged. “I guess he decided to give him a promotion.”

Barry raised his eyebrows. “Higher than Head CSI?”

“A special project maybe?” he ventured, not quite meeting Barry’s eyes.

“Joe.”

The older man sighed.

“Alright, I may have mentioned to Singh how impressed I’ve been lately with Julian’s competency as a CSI.”

“Competency.” He folded his arms across his chest.

“Yeah.”

“And why would you do that? You trying to get me fired?”

“What? Of course not.”

“Then…?” He let the question hang.

Joe set the files he’d been carrying on Barry’s mess of a desk; carefully though, lest anything fall off it.

“I may have mentioned that you’re having a bit of a rough time recently –”

“ _Joe_.”

“I didn’t give any details, don’t worry.”

Barry ran a hand over his face, very sure he was about to suffer from a monumental migraine.

“What does that have to do with Julian?”

“There’s a convention going on in upstate New York. Only the best and brightest CSIs are encouraged to come.”

“And I’m not one of the best and brightest.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well you suggested that to Singh if Singh is only considering sending Julian there, and for how long?”

“A week.”

“A _week_?”

“Don’t tell me you won’t be working better – and _sleeping_ better – with Julian not harping on you for everything he thinks you’re doing wrong.”

Barry sighed.

“Plus, I did emphasize how valuable you are to us as well, and that we wouldn’t want you gone for even a week, no matter how bright you are.”

“And Singh just…went with it. No pushing or prodding required.”

Joe shrugged. “Maybe he’s having a good day.”

Barry looked away, his eyes scanning the room with no real effort to see anything in plain sight.

“Please just take the olive branch, son.” Joe squeezed his shoulder. “I’m trying to help.” He paused. “I can’t fix you and Iris, but I can make life a little easier on you until you fix yourselves.”

Barry met his eyes, searching for something he couldn’t define. He ached to let out his emotions, but he was too scared he’d unravel and wouldn’t let himself do that. Not here, and not as the Flash either. He had to be strong. Even at home he wouldn’t let himself cave to the flood of emotions pushing to be released.

 _I don’t know if we **can** be fixed_ , he wanted to say. But that would be one breath away from pacing and tears and hyperventilating, so he didn’t say it.

“Alright,” he said instead, then forced a smile. “Thanks, Joe.”

He nodded, dropped his hand to his side and headed towards the doorway.

“Oh, hey,” he said just before leaving. “I know you’re…not showing up at STAR Labs because you think Iris might be there.”

“Joe—”

“Well, she hasn’t been.”

Barry pursed his lips.

“She didn’t show up Monday or yesterday or today, I’m guessing for the same reasons you didn’t.”

He swallowed hard.

“So maybe you wouldn’t mind dropping by one of these days? Cisco and Caitlin miss you, and I think H.R. is driving all of us a little bit insane with his relentless cheeriness.”

Something almost resembling a laugh slipped out between Barry’s lips.

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll consider it.”

“Great.” Joe smiled. “I’ll see you around then, Bear.”

“Hey, Joe,” Barry called out, coming around his desk before the older man could leave. “How is…Wally doing? I assume Iris has told him what happened.”

“He’s processing,” he said. “He doesn’t hate you, but…you are the reason his sister is currently miserable, so…”

“He doesn’t know how to feel about me.”

Joe shrugged.

“What makes you think Cisco and Caitlin will feel any differently? I mean, last time I really talked to Cisco he was trying to convince me to just get back together with Iris and pretend like nothing happened.”

“He’s still your best friend. He knows you did what you thought was best, even if he wishes it hadn’t hurt Iris. Plus, he misses you. So does Caitlin.” He paused, watching the forlorn look spread across Barry’s face.

“What about Iris?” Barry swallowed hard. “How is she…” His tongue ran dry, and he couldn’t finish the sentence.

Joe didn’t miss a beat.

“Iris has Linda to confide in and help her cope.”

Barry looked away.

 “Who do you have, Bear? Have you talked to _anyone_?”

The ‘ _besides me_ ’ was implied, so Barry didn’t try to make a joke by saying it was him.

In fact, saying anything at all right now felt dangerous.

“I’ll think about stopping by STAR Labs later.” He hesitantly looked up and met Joe’s concerned gaze. “Okay?”

Joe studied him a while, but then obviously realized he wouldn’t get much more out of him.

“I hope you do.”

Barry forced a tight smile and watched as Joe left, then returned to his desk and sat in his chair. The paperwork spread out before him, it took a moment till he realized Joe had left his files from the morning case amidst the endless forensic reports.

“Oh, Joe!” He called out, jogging down the hall to chase down the detective. “Joe, you forgot—”

He stopped suddenly, three feet away from Joe’s desk, because there chatting and smiling affectionately at her father was Iris.

And when he took one step back, eager to get away and regretting even making the journey to the first floor, she turned and looked at him.

Her face dropped, and he felt prickles of heat and cold spreading across every inch of his skin. He saw her throat move as she swallowed and knew his had done the same.

Her voice was tight and emotionless, even though her eyes were not.

“Barry.”

The word seemed to echo in the noisy room that suddenly fell silent, even though no one other than Joe was paying them any attention.

Dragged from the depths of his soul, scratchy, breathless, came her name from his lips.

“Iris.”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I should hopefully have another chap up within the month. Hopefully.
> 
> Many thanks to my awesome beta, sendtherain, for looking this over. :)

It’d been too long since he’d seen her face-to-face. Too damn long. He’d scrolled through pictures of her, pictures of them, on his phone, in their photo albums, in the many picture frames scattered throughout his apartment. But seeing her in the flesh, being unable to avoid her presence…

She was breathtaking.

Hair parted stunningly on the opposite side of the one she usually chose, her long black locks sweeping across her graceful shoulders, just covering up the classy scoop neck blouse that led to the form-fitting leather pencil skirt that reminded him of all the wet dreams he’d had every day since they broke up that always woke him up in a rush.

A headache hit shortly after every morning, reminding him that they were no longer together, and it had been his call. The cold shower that followed gave him time to think, but never to the point where he’d take back what he said. She was still living too recklessly. He couldn’t turn a blind eye to it and pretend he was okay with it when he wasn’t.

But God, she was beautiful.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, surprisingly himself by the fact that he didn’t stutter.

Iris blinked and then narrowed her eyes a little. He wondered if she’d been briefly as caught up in him as he was with her.

 _Impossible_.

“Am I not allowed to visit my father?” She folded her arms beneath her breasts, daring him to argue with her.

Barry couldn’t tell if she was angry, sarcastic, or trying to lighten the tense mood that had hung over them for the past several days, even as they avoided each other like the plague. But since Joe was shifting uncomfortably a short distance away from them, he decided the latter was too much to hope for.

“Yes, of course you are. Sorry. I just—” He shook his head, wishing he hadn’t spotted Joe’s forgotten files so soon. Or that Joe hadn’t forgotten them at all. “Sorry. Nevermind.” He avoided her prickly gaze and set the files on Joe’s desk. “You forgot these in the lab, Joe.”

He didn’t wait for Joe to answer him or acknowledge the file folder he’d placed on his desk. He glanced only briefly at both Wests before backing away.

“I…uh…I’ll see you—” He stopped himself. “I gotta go.”

He turned around and had to forcefully tell himself not to use his super speed to get as far away from there as possible. Instead he managed to speed walk as much like a normal person as he could, taking two steps at a time up the stairs and tripping on the top step, actually falling to the floor because his mind was spinning and he didn’t think to catch himself.

When he got up, he brushed off his pants and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed him being the total klutz he’d been before he got his powers. The only person that seemed to be taking notice was Iris, standing there in the middle of the lobby. The look on her face was a far cry from what he’d just seen at her dad’s desk. There was concern, though she was covering it up well, especially as the moments passed.

Their eyes stayed locked on each other for far too long. He looked away once and when his gaze returned to her, he nodded curtly – the closest he would let himself get to outward appreciation – and headed down the hall to the CSI lab.

…

 

“I can’t do this, Linda,” she announced, landing with a solid plop in the still vacant desk opposite her best friend’s.

The intern who’d taken ownership of the desk had left just before Christmas, and Iris had decided the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. She needed a place to vent to Linda when her best friend wasn’t already holed up in her office.

“What?” Linda asked, still typing away on her computer, only half-attentive to what her best friend was saying.

“ _This_ ,” Iris said, throwing her hands up in the air, as if that explained everything. The pained groan that followed got Linda’s attention.

“Care to be more specific?” she asked, one eyebrow raised, though she knew concern was rising in her normally razor-sharp expression.

Iris gave her a look; a do-I-really-need-to-explain-myself-to-you look. Linda knew it well.

“Ah. Barry.”

Iris nodded once and looked away.

“I take it your daily interrogation of Joe regarding all things Barry didn’t go as smoothly today?”

“Barry interrupted us.”

Linda’s eyes widened. “Did he.”

She nodded again. “Yep.”

“What did he say?” She crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward a bit.

Iris shrugged, still not making eye contact.

“Something about my dad leaving files in the lab. He was just returning them.”

“Think he was telling the truth?” she asked, reached for her coffee cup.

“Probably. He did have files in his hand, and I doubt he brought them down as an excuse to see me. He works with my dad all day. He could’ve easily asked him about me at any other time.”

“Maybe he wants to try and make amends.”

“I don’t think so. My dad says he deliberately doesn’t come into STAR Labs because he doesn’t want to cross paths with me.” She sighed.

Linda’s jaw dropped. “Barry told him that?”

Iris shook her head. “No, but he assumed. He’s probably right. He knows Barry almost as well as I do.”

“Has Barry, you know…asked about you?”

Iris held back tears. “No. I don’t know.” She took a breath and grabbed a tissue to blot away impending ones. “My dad says he hasn’t – or, he gave me this…pitying look when I pinned him down yesterday, which I hate. And for all I know Barry has the same arrangement with him as I do.”

“In that he asks your dad about you and swears him to secrecy that he asked?”

Iris nodded numbly.

Linda bit her bottom lip as she tried to think of a solution other than taking Iris out after her work and getting her drunk enough to forget her real-life problems.

Suddenly, her eyes lit up and she grabbed Iris’s hand from across the space between them.

“What?” Iris asked, brows furrowed as she finally made eye contact again.

“I have an idea,” Linda said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Does it involve getting drunk?” she asked skeptically. “Because I have to tell you, Lin, I’m not sure how many more hangovers I can take in less than a week.”

Linda shook her head. “No alcohol, but I think I may be able to solve your Barry problem.”

Iris told herself not to get her hopes up, but inside her heart soared.

“I’m listening…” she said warily.

“You want to get back with Barry, right?”

Iris hesitated, contemplating the alternative. “Right,” she finally said.

“And you did tell him you were going to pursue stories even if it means putting your neck on the line…” Iris opened her mouth, about to defend herself to Linda’s scornful tone, but her best friend finished with a silly grin that first confused her and then made her laugh. “You little thrill-seeker, you.”

“Fooled you for a second there, didn’t I?” Linda said smugly. “You actually thought I was going to side with your ex-boyfriend.” She paused, then started to tick off her fingers. “And dad. And brother. And…well, pretty much everyone you know except me, right?”

Iris sighed and pressed two fingers to the bridge of her nose. “Pretty much.”

“Not – of course – that I want you to actually lose said neck.” Iris thought she heard her breath hitch. “You’d call me if you were really in danger, right? Like you were afraid there was no way out?”

Iris lifted her head to look at her best friend, surprised to see the faintest bit of tears shimmering in her eyes.

“Lin.” She grasped her arm where it lay on the desk and squeezed reassuringly. “Nothing is ever going to happen to me. I know what I’m doing. And Barry is out there, even if we’re not together. He’ll know, and he’ll save me.”

Linda swallowed and nodded. Then her face shifted, as if she hadn’t been seriously considering her best friend dying out there in the field for an amazing story.

“Which brings me back to point.”

Iris waited, but it was clear in this moment that Linda had a flair for the dramatic.

“Which is?” she supplied.

“You want Barry to stop avoiding you? You want to have a real conversation? End this once and for all before you have to face the horror of a full week without each other?” She gasped.

“You know I do,” Iris said to humor her, but her voice was a bit mocking, a bit sarcastic.

It didn’t faze her.

“Find that story, Iris West. And make sure he knows you’re looking for it.”

Iris blinked, trying to find a fault line in the suggestion.

“Already? It hasn’t even been a week!”

Linda rolled her eyes. “My point, remember? You don’t want to go a full week without him, right? You want to be together by New Year’s?”

Iris bit her bottom lip, debating.

“I don’t even know a story offhand that could prove dangerous,” she said. “The last one slipped right past my fingers when Barry rushed me away from the scene of the crime. It fell into some lucky detective’s lap, and due to all my hard research that I was forced to relinquish to the police, the idiot solved it within the day.”

Linda sympathized, but couldn’t help herself. “I thought the idiot was kinda hot.”

“He can’t vibrate,” Iris muttered under her breath, to which Linda couldn’t help but gasp.

“If I had a drink right now, I would have _choked_ on it,” she informed her. Iris avoided her gaze. “It hasn’t even been a week and you’re already missing the sex.”

Iris glared. “You haven’t had a vibrator boyfriend, Lin.” She clutched the arms of her chair and leaned towards her. “You don’t know what it’s like to—”

Linda batted her eyes innocently. “What, Iris?” She crossed one leg over the other, grinning from ear to ear. “Tell me about your sex life.”

Iris groaned and leaned back in her chair, a hand draped lazily over her eyes.

“I need sex.”

“And we will get you some,” she assured her, laughter evident in her voice. “All you need to do is find this story, make sure Barry knows about it, and fight – fight – fight!”

Iris opened her eyes again. “I thought we were supposed to be getting back together, not…”

“Fighting has one of two results. Either it ends in you crying over how much you miss each other and deciding to get back together no matter how long it takes to figure out a real solution, or—”

“Or?”

“Or…you have hot angry sex to release the tension but once it’s over you go back to being pissed and nothing is fixed.”

Iris frowned. “Are those really my only options?”

Linda shrugged.

Iris sighed. “Oh, God.”

“This will work, though,” Linda said reassuringly, holding Iris’s hands tightly. “I know it will. Barry is still crazy in love with you. He misses you. He wants to be with you. All you need to have is another conversation and everything will be fine.”

Iris eyed her suspiciously. “You’re sure.”

“Positive,” she said, smiling brightly. “But just to be _extra_ sure…” She pulled back enough to log into her computer again. “We are going to tailor this story exactly to our liking. There will be no loopholes, and it will be completely in our control.”

Iris’s brows furrowed. “Wait, what do you mean our…” Realization dawned. “Wait, Lin, are you saying—”

“Yep!” She popped her lips. “We’re going to make it up.”

…

 

 

Against his better judgment, Barry found himself in the elevator at STAR Labs waiting to be carried to the floor where presumably his friends would be just down the hall. The ride felt endless. He hadn’t left on the best of terms with Cisco, and if Wally was there…

Was this really a good idea? Was it too late to turn back? He could just phase out of the elevator and run outside, no biggie. It would be like he hadn’t even been there, like he’d stubbornly stuck to his decision to avoid everyone like the plague after breaking up with Iris.

Because it had been _him_ to do the breaking up, right? Or had it been mutual because Iris hadn’t fought for their relationship? A sinking feeling came over him when he realized _he_ hadn’t fought for it either. His heart fell deeper into his chest.

He’d waited a lifetime for Iris West to feel the same way he did, to want him the way he wanted her, and now he was just throwing it all away because he didn’t like that she was being a little reckless? He wasn’t a fan of how far she went to get a story and so he was just cutting her out of his life?

 _Stop it_ , the voice inside him said, the one that had been so convinced this was the right decision – the only decision – he could have made after months of holding his tongue for fear she’d lash out and he’d lose her.

She’s not just being reckless. She’s being _stupid_ reckless. She’s running into situations any sane person would run away _from_. She’s not even wearing a bulletproof vest when those she’s so determined to catch in a lie – or a truth – have guns at the ready, maybe pointing at her before she’s even opened her mouth.

She trusts that he’ll save her; and time and time again he has. Though sometimes just barely. And every time he almost misses he remembers when that glass punctured her shoulder almost a year ago, when he wasn’t fast enough.

At least in the timeline _he_ remembered. Maybe that hadn’t happened in this timeline, but it had been burned into his memory. After months being more or less out of touch with her, he’d almost lost her. And he’d lost so much in his life. He couldn’t bear to lose her too.

He’d rather lose their relationship and still know she was alive than have to attend her funeral the one time he wasn’t fast enough to save her. She’d probably be happy that she’d died doing what she loved, but he would be a wreck. He would never recover.

 _Ding_.

The elevator doors opened. No one was in the immediate vicinity to greet him. He couldn’t hear any voices from down the hall. He could easily press the button to go back to the first floor. He could speed out of the building. He could go home and sulk in his apartment that still smelled of Iris, walk past all the pictures of the two of them that he’d turned over, watch the shows she watched just to torture himself with the memories of when they’d watched them together.

But he’d been doing that for the past four or five days, and it never made him feel better. It made him feel worse; sad and angry and lonely and numb.

Now as the seconds past slower than they could for anyone else, Joe’s words washed over him.

_Cisco and Caitlin miss you…_

_Iris has Linda to confide in and help her cope. Who do you have, Bear? Have you talked to anyone?_

He remembered the annoyed look on Cisco’s face when he urged Barry to just get over himself and beg Iris for forgiveness so they could just be together.

_He’s still your best friend._

With one agonizingly slow sigh, Barry pushed himself out of the elevator as the doors started to close. He traveled down the hall until he made it to the cortex where he found Cisco and Caitlin quietly bickering over something they’d found on each of their respective computers. HR wasn’t in the room. Neither was Wally.

He walked into his room, and barely daring to breathe, he cleared his throat.

“H-hey, guys,” he said, in response to their simultaneous turning around immediately and staring at him in shock.

Their jaws dropped.

“I, uh…” He wrapped his arm around the back of his neck and awkwardly shifted from one foot to the other, finding it difficult to keep eye contact with them gaping at him the way they were. “I thought… I mean, Joe said… He thought…”

He stopped trying. He didn’t know what to say, and everything inside him was screaming for him to leave.

But just as his gaze turned to the entryway, to the freedom only mere steps away, he felt the shift in the atmosphere and all of a sudden Cisco was pressed up against him, his arms wrapped tightly around his frame, his voice muffling some angry nonsense into his shirt.

“What?” Barry asked, surprisingly fighting a smile.

Cisco pulled back and glared, but it wasn’t the type of glare he’d received before. Barely a beat later Cisco smacked him lightly.

Ow! He thought to himself, but he wasn’t sure if it was safe to voice it, to tease that he’d hurt him a little.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” he demanded.

Now Barry’s mouth hung open. “You…forgive me?” he half-asked, half-stated.

Cisco rolled his eyes.

“You…goof.”

Caitlin joined them in the center of the room and pushed them against each other in a group hug with her.

“Welcome back, Barry,” she said, snuggling into both of her boys.

Barry felt himself relax into them, the two shorter than him, his best friends who had been with him since the beginning of all of this, since the lightning.

“Hasn’t been the same without me, huh?” he tested.

Cisco snorted.

"Baaaarry!" came from behind them. They all turned, two of them suppressing sighs, one of them making his sigh well known. “Are you guys having a group hug without me?” HR accused cheerfully.

And then he was squishing all four of them together, and even Cisco couldn’t be that annoyed that he’d ruined their moment.

“I knew you’d come back. I just knew it. I told them so!!” He took a step back and grinned widely at the three of them. “Now we just have to get Iris here.”

Barry stilled. Cisco just barely held in a groan. Caitlin winced and looked away, shaking her head.

“What? What’d I say? I just thought that—”

“Coffee!” Cisco said suddenly.

HR blinked. “W-what? But we just had…”

“We need more.” Cisco pushed HR towards the entryway until he was sufficiently into the hallway. “Now. Please.”

“Wow.” HR took a reverent breath. “A please. You said.” He clutched at his heart. “It must be a really magical day the day you say—”

“HR!”

The doppleganger ceased talking briefly but smiled warmly, unable to look away.

“Of course,” he said calmly. “I shall get the coffee.”

And then he was gone and Cisco returned to Barry and Caitlin, half-surprised Barry hadn’t just bolted.

“You’re still…here.”

Barry took a breath. “Still here.”

Caitlin quirked her head in his direction. “Going to stay here?” she asked quietly.

Barry nodded, albeit reluctantly. “As long as I possibly can.”

He met their eyes head on and watched them relax. He relaxed with them and knew it was going to be all right. At least until Iris was brought up again. But he got the strangest feeling that when the pressure of HR’s oblivious chattering about the new situation between them started to get to him, that these two beside him would have his back.

They were, after all, his best friends. And if those hugs had been any indication, they missed him too.

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the actual worst. So, so sorry for taking so long to update. But! It is here now, and hopefully it is worth it. I hope to update this fic either biweekly or weekly, depending on how busy I am. Please feel free to call me out on this if I don't.
> 
> *Thanks to the lovely sendtherain for beta'ing once again. I gave her so much to do this weekend. She is a saint.

It was a pleasant dream. No, more than a pleasant dream. It was a really, really good dream. Ronnie was alive. They were married. Dr. Wells was alive – and _not_ evil. Barry and Iris were together, newly engaged too. Cisco had a girl and his vibing powers never failed to impress her, much to the rolling eyes and unabashed grins of everyone around them. Everyone was genuinely happy; and best of all, she didn’t have a single metahuman cell in her body – least of all one that involved cold fog and icicles coming from her mouth and fingertips.

There was no looming fear that her having the same powers as her doppelganger meant that she was going to become evil. The logic was purely in her head since no one else on the team had become evil simply by developing powers. But she still worried. What if Killer Frost from Earth 2 hadn’t always been evil? What if—

But none of that mattered in this dream. Not when the warmth of Ronnie’s arms around her nearly put her to sleep in her own dream. Not when there was such happiness, such peace, all around her. That came to an abrupt halt when loud vibrations started to sound within the content bubble she’d found herself in. Her subconscious was kind, but there was no time for that in the reality of the conscious world.

Caitlin’s eyes opened. The first thing she noticed was her vibrating phone moving around on her bedside table. The second was the alarm clock that shone in bright number 2:30am. And the third was the white smoke emanating from her nose and mouth as she breathed. The room wasn’t cold. She knew because she couldn’t turn the thermometer up any higher in her apartment. But she was freezing.

Pushing her discomfort aside, Caitlin reluctantly reached for her phone and tilted the screen so she could see who was calling. The familiar name concerned her only slightly. It would hardly be the first time he’d called her in the middle of the night.

“Cisco?” she answered into the phone, her voice still groggy with sleep.

“Caitlin!” he yell-whispered. “I thought you’d never pick up.”

“I was sleeping.”

“Well, yeah…but you usually pick up sooner.” She opened her mouth to speak, but he kept going. “Anyway, I couldn’t call earlier because Barry wanted to stay up and play video games.”

Caitlin raised her eyebrows, amused.

“Don’t you _like_ video games, Cisco?”

“Beside the point,” he said. She rolled her eyes. “I have an idea to get Barry and Iris back together.”

She bit her bottom lip, debating.

“Do you really think we should get involved, Cisco? Maybe we should let them figure it out on their own.”

“Because they’ve been doing that sooo well.”

“It’s been less than a week,” she pointed out.

“It’s been _almost_ a week,” he corrected.

Caitlin counted in her head. The break-up had been Saturday night. So, _Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday_ …today was technically Thursday. All right, he had a point.

“And it’d be a real shame for them to miss out on their first New Year’s Eve kiss as a couple, don’t you think?”

“They did already miss their first Christmas,” she allowed.

“Exactly. And what better way to start fresh than on the first day of the new year?”

He was gushing now and raising his voice. She worried briefly he might wake Barry. She suspected that was the last thing he wanted at the moment.

“What did you have in mind?” she whispered, hoping he would follow suit.

“Oh. Right,” he whispered back, much to her relief – and his, she suspected. “A party?” he finally asked, probably waiting to see if he’d by chance awoken their slumbering speedster friend.

“That’s a good idea,” she allowed. “But New Year’s Eve is only two days away. Can we really pull that off?”

Cisco snorted. “Please. Did you see how decked out HR made the speed lab and the cortex and practically the whole main floor at STAR Labs for Christmas? We hardly got to enjoy it because of all the tension between Barry and Iris. If we tell HR that we’re having a New Year’s Eve party to get Barry and Iris back together- On second thought, maybe that’s a bad idea.”

Caitlin frowned. “Why?”

“Think about it. The man can’t keep a secret to save himself. After tonight, Barry will definitely be coming to STAR Labs before and after he’s in the field Flashing around. HR is bound to say something.”

“Okay, you might be right about that.”

“Trust me, I am.”

She swallowed and asked hesitantly, “You really think Barry’s here to stay?”

Cisco exhaled peacefully. “Yeah, I do. He seemed really grateful when I suggested a sleepover at my place tonight.” He paused, and then added somewhat annoyingly, “I still don’t get why you wouldn’t come. I know you’re not big on video games, but it would’ve been fun for the three of us to hang like we used to after all this tension was relieved.”

“I know…I’m sorry, Cisco. I was just tired.”

He sighed testily. “I only half-believe you.”

“What would you like me to do for the party, Cisco?” she asked, swiftly changing the subject before he could further interrogate her. “Iris and I aren’t exactly close, and I think you’ll have more success getting Barry to come to the party than I will.”

“Um…”

“Cisco?” She frowned.

“I’m here…it’s just…”

“You don’t have anything for me to do,” she said flatly.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to do something,” he said hurriedly. “It’s just that I don’t know _what_.”

“So why did you call?” she almost laughed.

“You’re my best friend,” he said simply, and her heart warmed. “I wanted to share my idea and hear what you thought of it.”

“Well,” she said, practically glowing now. “I think it’s a great idea. It shows you really care.”

“You care too, I’m sure,” he prodded her.

“Of course,” she assured. “But I didn’t come up with the great idea.” He started to babble, flustered by the compliment, so she continued, smiling to herself. “It’ll be good to have Barry and Iris together again. The days have just felt so empty and heavy without them there.”

“Agreed.” He paused. “Well, I’ll let you get back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.”

“You’re not, but I forgive you.”

“Thanks, Cait.”

“Goodnight, Cisco.”

“Goodnight, Caitlin.”

She hung up the phone, set it back on the table, and smiled contently. Snuggling under her blanket again, she felt the warmth of them consume her and the cool temperature dissipated. Risking it, Caitlin deliberately inhaled and exhaled, watching the space in front of her. To her great relief, her breath was not visible. She fell back into an easy sleep.

…

 

Linda entered Iris’ office and pushed a pile of papers further down her desk so she had space to sit. Iris, her attention fully on the monitor, didn’t turn to look at who had entered and neglected to shut the door.

“Can I help you?” Her tone was professional, but the laziness in it gave her away.

“I told Scott you were sick and needed to go home.”

Iris’ fingers stopped, hovering just above the keyboard. She spun around in her chair, ignoring the pint of ice cream Linda held in her hands and was currently digging a spoon into.

“And why would you do that? I have a deadline to make.”

“You can make it at home.”

She half-scoffed, half-laughed.

“Linda, I’m so behind on everything, which you know. He can’t have been happy you said that.”

She shrugged. “He understood.”

Iris’ eyes narrowed. “What _exactly_ did you tell him?”

She avoided eye contact and took another bite of her cold treat.

“Just that you may have suddenly developed a hives-flu-measles condition and should go home immediately because you’re highly contagious.”

Iris laughed and leaned back in her chair, highly amused.

“But I don’t have that.”

Linda’s eyes lifted to hers, glittering.

“He doesn’t have to know that. The man has never had measles and he’s deathly afraid of getting them. If you get near him… Or if you pass it on to someone else here and they get near him…”

Iris shook her head, smiling widely. “And how did you find out what his worst fear was?”

“I’m a _reporter_ ,” she said, as if that explained everything. “I know things.”

“All right, I’ll bite. Why did you get me off early today?”

“Not just today. Tomorrow too. You’ve gotten yourself a three-and-a-half-day weekend.”

“Are we going someplace?”

“If my apartment counts as someplace.”

She waited a bit, trying to figure out that façade of innocence on her best friend’s face.

“What are you planning?” she finally asked.

Linda licked her lips and tossed the now empty ice cream container in Iris’ trashcan.

“Only the story of your life that will send Barry Allen running back into your arms.”

Iris’ jaw dropped. “You figured it out?”

“It’s so good it’ll kill him. And when he can’t find out a way to stop it before you get remotely near approaching it – which of course he won’t be able to do because it’s _fake_ – he’ll have to confront you to tell you to not go through with it.”

Iris’ smile suddenly dropped into a frown. “And then what?”

Linda shrugged. “How should I know? You have two days to come up with a really good argument for why he should allow you to do it.”

She scoffed. “Lin-”

“You know him better than anyone, Iris Ann West. Surely you know what to say that will make him crack.”

She shook her head in disbelief. “Unbelievable.”

“Now, come on.” She hopped off her desk. “I have an unbearable cough.” She mock-coughed. “So, I’m leaving too. Let’s take our sickly selves back to my apartment. We’ll stay in with pizza, ice cream, and the finest wine the cheap convenience store next to Big Belly Burger has to offer. I’ll tell you my fantastic plan and even craft a fake doctor’s note for you to bring in on Monday.”

Iris tilted her head. “Do they take doctor’s notes anymore?”

“Trust me, honey.” She leaned forward, smiling mischievously. “Scott will need one.”

“Alright, I give in. Just let me clean up in here and I’ll meet you outside.”

“You got it, girlfriend.” Linda winked and headed out the door, swaying her hips as she did so.

Iris laughed, clicking her tongue as she muttered her best friend’s name on repeat. When she’d shut her computer down and organized her workspace, tucking the necessary items into her bag to take home with her, she was just about to head out the door when suddenly her phone rang.

She answered it without checking the name or number, not thinking anything of it since it was her cell.

“This is Iris.” She closed her eyes and shook her head when she realized she wasn’t on her work phone. _Too late now, Iris_.

“Hey, Iris, it’s Caitlin.”

_Oh._

“Hey…Caitlin.” A lump formed in her throat. She knew what went along with Caitlin. Cisco. STAR Labs. The Flash. “What’s up?” she asked as cheerily as she could, tears already stinging her eyes.

“I…uh…just thought I’d let you know that we’re having a party this Saturday at STAR Labs.”

“A party?” She blinked away the tears, confused.

“Yeah. It’s New Year’s Eve and HR has a penchant for decorating, so we figured, why not?”

“Oh.”

“This is me inviting you,” she chuckled awkwardly.

_No, no, no, I’m not going. No._

“Caitlin, I don’t know if I’m really up for-”

“Barry won’t be there,” she said quickly.

That made Iris stop. “He won’t?”

“Mm-mm. Cisco tried to convince him, but he said he just couldn’t be around us.”

“So, he hasn’t been to STAR Labs since…” she let the sentence trail off on its own, her mind forming a million more questions and coming to some conclusions too.

“No,” Caitlin said carefully. “He hasn’t.”

If Iris had been paying attention more closely, she would’ve noticed that there was something off about Caitlin’s voice. But she was too lost in her own head, in her own heart, to pick up on the tell-tale signs of someone lying to her.

Still, she wasn’t really up for partying with anyone but Linda right now. And even if she was, a party in the cortex or speed lab at STAR Labs sounded kind of lame.

“Is there a reason it’s at STAR Labs?”

“Um… well, it was Cisco’s idea. I think he thought it would be cool to have it on the roof.”

Her heart skipped a beat despite herself and she quietly gasped. She’d never been to the roof at STAR Labs before. _I bet you can see the whole city from there_.

“What do you think?” Caitlin asked, and she realized she’d been quiet for too long.

“I…um…”

Linda popped her head back in the doorway, clearly about to yank her out of the room. But when she saw Iris was on the phone she gestured back down the hall and mouthed she’d wait for her outside.

“Can I think about it, Caitlin?”

“Oh, of course!” she said enthusiastically. “Take your time!” She paused. “But not too much time,” she corrected. “It is in two days, after all.”

“Right.” Iris smiled, trying her best to focus. “I’ll let you know as soon as I make my decision, okay?”

“Okay. Yeah. Sure. Sounds good.”

“Great. Bye, Caitlin. Thanks for the invite.”

“No problem. Bye, Iri-”

Iris hung up the phone before Caitlin could finish her goodbye. She felt a little bad, but not much. Her nerves were on high alert. The hair on her arms and neck was standing on end.

A holiday party on the roof at STAR Labs without Barry.

_Without Barry._

A mixture of relief and heart-aching pain swarmed through her body.

_Another holiday without Barry._

She blinked away tears, slipped her bag over her shoulder, and locked up her office, heading straight for the back entrance where Linda stood waiting for her.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *thanks to sendtherain for beta'ing.

No matter how hard Iris tried, she could not seem to focus on Linda’s genius plan to piss Barry off in order to bring them back together. She knew in theory it was solid, and she did have to admit the story was one she would have greedily chased if it actually existed, though maybe she wouldn’t act on it to the extent Linda was suggesting she would – hypothetically speaking, but she couldn’t stop thinking about that New Year’s Eve party at STAR Labs that she had yet to make a decision about.

Barry had bought her a gorgeous shiny floor-length dress for their six-month anniversary near the end of November. She knew he’d been eyeing the dresses that showed a little more skin than this one did and just didn’t want to be labeled a perv by the girlfriend of his dreams and tried to tell him so. He refused to admit to it though, and so she told him she appreciated the gift. Which she did. The dress was absolutely stunning and looked amazing on her when she tried it on.

You would’ve thought she was wearing lingerie from Barry’s inability to speak and the color draining from his face, the bulge forming in his pants. It did show a bit of cleavage and there was a slit for her leg, but she didn’t think it warranted that much of a reaction.

Still, when he lunged for her, and she giggled, “Don’t rip the dress!”, he sped-stripped it off of her and responded, “Save it for New Year’s.” She’d nodded, giddy. “That’s perfect.”

It’d been a magical, intoxicating night after that, and when she found the dress in her closet today she could not help but think of that night and the bright future that lay ahead of them then. One that, as far as she could tell, had been wiped from existence now.

She turned her phone over and over in her hand, trying to decide. Linda had offered to take her with her to New York City where her cousin had managed to snag an invite to a classy party on a rooftop in full view of the huge glittering ball that would sound off the new year. It was an enticing offer, she had to admit. She’d never seen the ball anywhere other than on TV. She’d never even been to New York. She always wanted to go, see the lights all lit up at night, be amidst the crowds on a busy Friday night or a busy Friday day. She wanted to go to a Broadway show and spend hours shopping at vendors in the city streets. She wanted to browse through Tiffany’s most beautiful – and expensive – diamond collection and be stopped in the middle of Times Square because her face was zoomed in on the big screen.

She wanted to kiss who she was with in that moment, have it shown to everyone who was walking by. She wanted that magic of knowing anyone who cared to pay attention could see how desperately in love she was with that person.

And she wanted that person to be Barry.

Tears welled in her eyes as she abandoned the phone on the table and went to curl in a ball on the couch.

She wanted _everything_ with Barry.

She’d wanted Christmas with Barry – mistletoe and eggnog and a fully decorated tree and opening presents and caroling and waking up on Christmas morning wrapped up in each other and eating Christmas cookies, one of her few specialties she excelled at.

She hadn’t gotten that this year. _They_ hadn’t gotten it this year.

Instead they fought and broke up, and her favorite holiday in the world was forever tainted because apparently her Bear had been restraining himself for fear of losing her and had decided that if it was worth the risk if she had some sense knocked into her.

The rumblings of anger buzzed inside her, but it wasn’t nearly as intense as it had been a week ago or any day since. Because right now she missed him so much it hurt. Right now she was willing to throw away her entire career if it meant holding him in her arms again and hearing _I love you_ float passed his lips, hearing _I missed you_ and _let’s never break up again_ tumble off his tongue. She missed the pressure of his lips against hers, of his body against hers, of his fingers in her hair, his whisper in her ear…

She missed _everything_.

Why couldn’t things be okay? Just for one night, one magical, endless night, why couldn’t their love be enough?

She shivered where she sat and pulled a folded blanket up over her, huddling into its warmth.

_But he’s not even going to be there, Iris._

It could be the truth. He might not decide to show, unless Cisco prodded Barry to show up the way Caitlin had done to her.  They might be in the same space, and not by accident either. Whenever Cisco and Caitlin teamed up on something, it was usually with good intentions. Which meant they wanted to get the two of them back together and had likely decided since they were making no moves in that direction, it was up to the saavy science nerds of Team Flash to step in for them.

_If only it was so simple._

Her phone buzzed across the room, nearing the edge of the table where she’d left it.

It was either Linda, asking her if she was sure she wanted to spend her New Year’s Eve alone, even though she was likely already in New York getting ready for the party. _I’ll send in the ‘copter_ , she’d probably say, only half-joking – or it was Caitlin, reminding her that the party started in less than two hours and she had yet to give her a response.

She bit her bottom lip, thought about that dress, about Barry being there, about Barry not being there, about truly spending another holiday moping and/or feeling depressed, about the rest of the team that probably only wanted to help, about the champagne and the smiles and the new year that could change everything.

She snapped to her feet, zipped across the room, her slippers sliding on the wood floor, and answered the call.

“Hey, Caitlin.”

“Iris! Hey, I was just calling becau-”

“I’m coming.”

A pause, probably due to shock and uncertainty.

“You’re…you’re coming?”

“I’m coming, yes.”

“You’re sure.”

“Absolutely positively!” she assured. _Too much, Iris_ , she grimaced a beat later.

“Well, that’s…great!” A smile in her voice. It made Iris smile too. “You can just head on up to the roof when you get here. If no one’s up there we’re just grabbing extra food and drink.”

“Great! That sounds great, Caitlin. I can’t wait.”

A pause – more smiling from both of them.

“I’ll see you later then, Iris.”

“Should I bring anything?” she asked hurriedly, the thought of contributing unexpectedly dawning on her suddenly.

“Nope. Just yourself,” she soothed.

“Just myself.”

“See you at seven.”

“See you.”

Click.

She set the phone back down on the table and stared out the window, letting the realization of what she’d just done sink in.

A party to forget or a party that might change everything. Her breath caught in her throat, imagining the look that might be in Barry’s eyes when he saw her in that dress – _if he sees you, Iris_.

She had a feeling he would.

…

Barry stared at himself in the tall mirror and sighed loudly.

“That does not sound like a man who is excited to go to the…” Cisco slid along the floor into view behind him. “Best New Year’s Even party of his life!” he sang.

Barry’s expression did not change.

“Is it too much?”

Cisco glared.

“Dude. You’re wearing a navy suit with a sparkly tie.

“Yeah.”

“It’s better than the first thing you put on.”

Barry paused, recalling, and then nodded resigned.

“Yeah, the bedazzled black tux was a little over-the-top.”

“Ya think?” Cisco deadpanned.

“This might be too, though…”

“You’re not going to the party in a t-shirt and jeans, my friend. This is a party, not…a movie marathon.”

Barry frowned and turned to look at him.

“But Iris isn’t going to be there.”

Cisco raised his eyebrows. “Is that the only time you would try to look nice?”

He shrugged. “Well, it’s nothing with work either or a formal function.”

“Everyone is dressing up,” he complained. “Just because you’re feeling mopey doesn’t mean you have to look that way.”

Barry paused, thinking. “Right,” he finally said. “No, you’re right. Sorry, Cisco.”

Cisco sighed. “It’s all good, my man. We’re gonna have a good time tonight, I promise.”

“Even though I can’t get drunk?” he drawled.

“You don’t need to get a drunk to have a good time,” he almost yelled.

Barry was working his last nerve. He’d been absolutely elated when his best friend hadn’t needed much convincing to agree to come to the New Year’s Eve party he and Caitlin had concocted two days prior. Apparently though, keeping him invested in the idea took a lot more effort than what Caitlin had to deal with – which had just been a last minute rsvp.

“You’re sure Iris isn’t going to be there?” Barry asked, smoothing down his tie again.

“We didn’t invite her,” Cisco said matter-of-factly.

Barry met his eyes. “You don’t think that’s kind of…mean?”

Cisco blinked.

“I mean, she’s part of the team too. Won’t she be offended you didn’t even offer?”

“She doesn’t want to be around you any more than you want to be around her.”

His heart sank.

“Trust me when I say she would’ve said no even if we had asked.”

“Oh,” he said quietly, saddened – and giving Cisco an unbelievable amount of joy.

_She’s coming! She’s coming! She’s coming!_

But he kept his mouth shut on that little truth. The happy reunion would unfold itself soon enough.

“Think she’s missed me?” he asked, too deep in his sadness to even try to come across nonchalant.

Cisco stilled and gripped his shoulder until Barry looked up at him.

“Do you _want_ me to invite her?”

Barry’s eyes widened. “No.” He shook his head. “No, definitely not. Of course not. No.”

Cisco looked at him strangely. “Does that mean…yes?”

Irritated, he walked passed him. “No, Cisco, it means no.” He sighed, gripping his hands on the counter. “There would be no point.”

Cisco swallowed hard, for the first time genuinely worried that his plan might fall through.

“Why…is that?” he asked.

“Because nothing has changed,” he said sorrowfully. “Neither of us is willing to budge. If I was I’d have groveled at her feet by now, and if she was… Well, she wouldn’t have groveled, but somehow, she would have let me know. It’s been a week, Cisco.” He sighed again and turned to face his friend. “A _week_.”

“I know.”

“It’s been so hard not seeing her, not being with her, not sharing things with her, not having her as my best friend. It’s like when I broke up with her, I lost all of her. I lost Iris the best friend _and_ Iris the girlfriend.”

Cisco hesitantly walked towards him, bracing himself for the question he was about to broach.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but…hasn’t it been _you_ avoiding _her_?”

Barry looked at him. “Has she been trying to contact me without my knowing?”

“Well…” he squeaked.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” He ran his hand over his face. “We’re both avoiding each other.”

“Maybe you should both stop. At the very least try to be civil.”

He frowned. “I’m being civil.”

“Because being in the same room with her would make you lash out?”

“I’ve been in the same room with her.”

“When?” he demanded. He didn’t know about this.

“A few days ago, at CCPD. We had a run-in. It didn’t last long. I tripped over myself on the stairs. She snapped at me.”

“Because you fell down the stairs?”

“Because I asked her why she was there.”

“Did you snap first?”

“I don’t think so…I was just returning some files Joe left in my lab.”

“Hmm.”

“Don’t analyze it too much, Cisco. All I’m saying is, I’m not the only one trying to avoid a confrontation. And you know what? That’s okay. Maybe right now it’s best if we don’t see each other. Then gradually…in another week or so maybe, we can slowly start interacting again. By Valentine’s Day it’ll be like we were never a couple at all.”

“You don’t sound bothered by that possibility,” Cisco pointed out, slightly troubled. “Isn’t this the girl you’ve been in love with since you were like ten?”

“Nine.”

“Nine. Even worse.”

Barry glared at him.

“All I’m saying is maybe she’s worth not giving up on.”

He sighed. “I tried Cisco. I waited it out. I gently made suggestions. I got a little more forceful. The only effect it had on her was her pushing harder than ever to do what she wanted – or to brush it under the rug. I could forget it at night when it was just us together, hanging out…going on dates…just being us. But…then I’d run across a story she was working on or hear about a dangerous criminal she couldn’t wait to track down – unprotected with zero plan of getting out if her life was in danger. And I can’t be everywhere at once. I can’t concentrate on anything when I know my girlfriend is out there not being safe, being reckless, and that she might die at any moment just because she refuses to have any common sense.”

His temper was rising, his frustration on the issue clearly still present. Cisco wondered for the first time if his genius plan was all that genius. There was a pretty good possibility the party could be shut down before it barely began when instead of kissing at midnight, Barry and Iris started fighting the moment they spotted each other on the rooftop.

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that tonight,” he said, to get his mind off it as much as Barry’s. “Just try to relax, have some fun, drink some champagne pretend you’re affected by it.”

He laughed, a real one, and Cisco relaxed some too.

It was short-lived.

“A night with no Iris sounds like a good night to me.”

 _Crap_.

…

 

The wind whipped around her when she stepped out of her car, her hair fluttering around her shoulders as she looked up at the looming STAR Labs and the satellite at the top where she could see decorative white lights lining the perimeter of the roof. _There really is a rooftop party_ , she mused.

Whether or not Barry would be at it was something else entirely, but she’d decided she would risk it. She had this beautiful dress that she’d promised to save for New Year’s. Whether or not she and Barry were together shouldn’t determine what she was allowed to wear or even what she was allowed to do. It was a week from their break-up tonight. If Linda’s plan didn’t work, she would need an escape, something to take the edge off that wasn’t just vodka shots in Linda’s kitchen. And she’d been promised Barry wouldn’t be here. She only trusted that about 50/50, and a big part of her wanted him to be there so she could show him what he was missing – and what he could easily get back if he would just…

Her phone buzzed in the sparkly clutch she’d brought with her. She checked the screen to find a text staring back at her from Cisco.

**You coming?**

She nodded and took a breath.

_Just got here._

She was about to go inside when her phone started to buzz again, this time with a phone call. She frowned by answered it on her way to the building.

“Hey, Caitlin, I just told Cisco-”

“Hey, Iris, I know I told you to just meet us all up on the roof, but HR he…and Cisco...”

“Say no more,” she interjected soothingly. “I’ll meet you guys in the cortex.”

“Great. Thanks.”

Iris smiled and shook her head as she tucked her phone back into her clutch. She had wondered why they hadn’t wanted to all meet up in the cortex or even have the party in the speed lab and head up to the roof when it got closer to midnight. She figured the view was the reason behind it, and she knew she’d agree with that. Plus, maybe they wanted to switch things up given what happened the last time they decorated the cortex and speed lab and… well, obviously the events in their personal lives kept anyone from really enjoying it.

“Iris! Thank God!” Caitlin came speeding towards her as fast as she could in her high heels with her arms full of food and decorations.

Iris quickly stepped out of the elevator before the brunette almost tumbled in with her.

“Hey, let me take something.” She laughed and shook her head as she grabbed a bowl of overflowing popcorn and a box of unopened shot glasses. “I thought you guys prepared for this.”

“I know, I know,” she laughed nervously. “Cisco and I had two days to get our asses in gear, but there was Flash business today – a robbery,” she said hastily, avoiding eye contact as she did. “And, well, HR was determined to decorate but then he accidentally interrupted the lab instead of the roof, and-”

“Hey, hey, breathe,” Iris commanded gently, staring straight at her and willing Caitlin to feel the comfort since her arms were too full to console her by physical touch.

“Right. Breathe.”

“It’s what? Five after seven? That’s almost five hours till midnight. I’m sure we can get everything set up in a half hour or less.”

“You’re right.”

“Where’s Cisco? Maybe we can get everything in order and head up to the roof in like ten minutes? Shouldn’t take too long to decorate, though we may want to think twice about setting out too much food and other things. It was windy in the parking lot. Must be much worse higher up.”

Caitlin’s face fell. “You’re right.”

“Hey, no, don’t worry,” she reassured again. “If it’s really bad we can go in the speed lab and just head on up to the roof for the countdown. If we get all the decorations secured, it shouldn’t be a problem. Who wants to be chilly all night anyways, right? It’s nearly January after all and I didn’t exactly come bundled in a winter jacket.”

Caitlin looked down at Iris’ attired for the first time and her eyes widened, her mouth fell open.

“Oh my God, Iris, you look _gorgeous_.”

Slightly flustered, Iris smoothed down the sparkling dress.

“Thanks, Caitlin, Barry got-”

She stopped and swallowed hard, the words caught in her throat. Luckily, this time Caitlin came to her rescue.

“You know what, why don’t you take these streamers and lights instead?” She offered her other arm to Iris where the items were starting to teeter over. “If decorations are the priority then we should get them up first. I’ll take the snacks back to Cisco and tell him the new plan.”

She frowned. “You’re sure? I can help with more…”

“No need,” she insisted. “It won’t take long for us to get everything sorted. If we’re not up in ten minutes, you can come back and help up get our act together.” She laughed lightly.

“All right…” she said reluctantly. “Maybe five minutes, though?” She started heading back to the elevator.

“Sure. That works fine too.”

She was more puzzled than ever by Caitlin’s sudden avoiding eye contact and the odd tone to her voice, but she dismissed it to her clearly being frazzled by the team’s lack of preparedness. The brunette’s dashing back down the hall where Cisco and HR were likely still trying to organize everything added to that theory.

Still…something was off.

Whatever was off though was completely forgotten when she stepped out onto the roof. She gasped, starstruck at the sight of all the buildings and the lights beneath on the city streets. The stars sparkled across a dark sky and the moon was big and brilliant. She almost dropped the decorations held tightly in her hands.

She was so mesmerized she almost didn’t hear the roof door open and close again.

“Has it been five minutes already?” she asked, smiling when she turned around to greet the newcomer.

The smile immediately dissolved, the rest of her body equally paralyzed. She swallowed hard and reminded herself to breathe.

“Iris.”

God, she hated when she was right.

His voice was raw, rough, stunned, and achingly familiar. Unlike herself, he apparently hadn’t considered the possibility that they might have been set up. She tried not to look too deflated. The part of her that had been aching for this scenario was overwhelmed with the part that wanted to be free of that worry, which was unfortunate given how badly she’d wanted it earlier.

Still, she summoned her courage and walked into the fire with all the grace, class, and half-hearted enthusiasm she could muster.

“Hello, Barry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know...yet another filler chapter. It should pick up in the next chap though. A little more drama at the very least.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took forever and a day, but I'm finally here with a new update. I hope you enjoy! Also, grab your tissue boxes. You'll need them.
> 
> *Many thanks to sendtherain for beta'ing. :)

He stood there, taking her in, only half-aware that he was freezing, half-aware that his heart was hammering through his chest. He made a mental note to scold Cisco for telling him Iris wouldn’t be there when he had clearly schemed for her to show up. Even the minor argument with himself on whether Cisco was in the know about her arrival dissipated into nothingness, because he could hardly breathe. His mouth was dry. He knew his eyes had to be watering.

Iris West was in front of him wearing _that dress_.

It was enough to kill him right on the spot.

He wasn’t sure if she’d worn the dress to spite him outright – on the off-chance he’d end up at the party even though she’d likely been told he wouldn’t be there, same as he’d been told about her – but the effect was the same. He wasn’t mad. He was just rattled, spellbound, starstruck; same as he’d been the first time he’d seen it on her. Like a woman had appeared before him, too beautiful to be human, and told him she was his. And despite feeling that he could never measure up to someone as incredible as her, the love in her eyes defied every protest he would have offered up. So, he didn’t offer any up. He took her into his arms and loved her. He didn’t know how to do anything else.

But that was then. He wasn’t any less starstruck now, but he knew he couldn’t take her into his arms. She wasn’t his anymore. He needed to remember that.

“What are you…doing here?” he asked, managing to find his voice.

Iris raised one eyebrow and folded her arms beneath her breasts, enhancing her cleavage. Unable to stop himself, his eyes lowered but then quickly snapped up again. The hint of a blush crept up his neck when he swore he saw the hint of a smile twitching at the corner of her lips.

“You really didn’t think this might be a set up?” she asked.

He shrugged and sunk his hands into his pockets.

“It did occur to me,” he said and looked away, focusing his attention instead of the city lights spread out beneath them. “I guess I just didn’t want to believe my best friend was lying to me.”

He hadn’t meant it to be a dig at her, but he could tell she took it that way. Her shoulders tensed the minute the words spilled out of his mouth, so he knew she was thinking about it…all those times she’d lied straight to his face that she was going to drop a story when she had no intention to or the multiple dates that _she_ ’d been late to because she’d been busy ‘at the office.’

“They mean well,” she offered up, clearly trying to separate their present from their past. “It’s awkward…us not being together when we were for so long.”

“Seven months.” He nodded, still not meeting her gaze.

She didn’t have anything to say to that. Silence descended. The tension was heavy. He almost couldn’t breathe.

“I can go if-”

“No,” he said, finally looking back at her. “You shouldn’t be alone on New Year’s, Iris. And you’re part of the team. Everyone here is your friend too.” He took a breath. “You should stay.”

A forced smile from her and a subtle nod. _Okay_.

He crossed the roof till he reached the far side, his hands still in his pockets as he took in the city once more. No more than a minute passed before Iris was standing beside him, her goose-bump riddled arms brushing his jacket.

He glanced over at her, debated a moment, and then, “You’re cold.”

She shook her head but rubbed her hands up and down her arms. “It’s chilly.”

He shrugged out of his jacket.

“Oh, no, Barry, it’s not- You don’t have to-”

But she didn’t reject the garment when he draped it over her shoulders.

“Thanks,” she said quietly.

He pretended not to have heard her, and she pulled the jacket closer around her. Mere seconds later he felt goosebumps ripple down his arms and neck. He wouldn’t dare ask for the jacket back though. Her arms were practically bare. At least he was wearing long sleeves.

“Are you coming back to STAR Labs?” he asked, trying to get his mind off how cold he was. He could vibrate to warm himself up, but then it would be obvious to Iris he was cold, and she’d probably drop his jacket on the ground by way of refusing to take away his warmth.

He hadn’t foreseen the effect of his words in that moment though, had hardly thought about them as they slipped passed his lips to be honest. But now, with the silence between them, he turned to look at her and saw her eyes wide and her jaw dropped. He mentally kicked himself. It seemed he was incapable of speaking without unintentionally throwing her under the bus.

“I just came back the other day,” he said; an attempt to smooth things over. “If you’re not coming because you’re afraid I won’t want you there…”

He caught her gaze again; this time it was a little curious.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“You…you want me to come back?”

He hesitated. _Was that what he really wanted? To have her back in his space every day? The living proof that they weren’t together anymore? Wouldn’t that destroy his momentum? Keep him from functioning properly? Knowing that he’d let the love of his life walk away because he’d finally snapped and didn’t think it was something they could come back from?_

“I…” he finally began. “I just don’t want to be the reason you’re not coming by. If you want to be there, you should be.”

She pursed her lips and turned her gaze back out towards the city street, then nodded once. He could feel the tension in her again.

“I see.”

The seconds ticked away. It was excruciating standing here next to her. The tension was unbearable. And why hadn’t anyone else come up to the roof yet? Why couldn’t he help organize the cortex and speed lab if there was so much to do? He had super speed. It didn’t make sense why he wasn’t allowed to help.

But as he looked over at Iris again, saw the gentle breeze brush the tendrils of hair around the side of her face, saw her shiver slightly even as she pulled his jacket tighter around her, he knew he wouldn’t leave even if he was summoned. Everything had been a set-up. He was foolish to think otherwise, even in his own mind. Iris had more or less confirmed it, whether she’d been in the know or not. And if their friends were pushing them to get back together, there was no way he’d be allowed to separate himself from Iris until that was accomplished.

 _You could speed away_ , he told himself. But being this close to her now…did he want to?

“Iris…are you okay?”

She turned to look at him, tears shining in her eyes. It shook him to the core. He stood, spellbound, gazing at her, unsure if she’d flinch or back away if he tried to touch her. Suddenly nothing mattered more than keeping those tears from falling onto her pristine face.

She took a breath, and he wondered if she was gathering what insults to throw at him – or tucking them away neatly so she wouldn’t lose her temper.

He should’ve known better.

“I miss you, Barry.” Her voice cracked.

His legs wobbled slightly. He felt light-headed. The lump in his throat was enormous. _Take her into your arms, damn it!_ But he couldn’t. They weren’t together. He didn’t even know if they were friends. Just how much could be allowed without completely changing everything again.

“I miss you, too, Iris,” he managed.

Her bottom lip trembled, and she turned all the way towards him.

“Isn’t that enough?” she asked.

 _Yes! Yes! Yes!_ His heart shouted at him, thrumming loudly in his ears.

But he had to be smart. He could say yes tonight and realize in the morning that it was the wrong answer.

“Has anything…changed for you, Iris?” he asked hesitantly.

He knew what the answer would be before it tumbled passed her lips, but the briefest of moments he let himself believe things were different. He wanted her to tell him she wouldn’t be so reckless, that she would mind his warnings, and be grateful for his rescues instead of resentful that he’d prevented her from achieving what she wanted.

“No,” she said.

He could see the fire in her eyes, the righteous indignation that he’d ask her to put aside her passion for her safety. Obviously he wanted her to live life to the fullest, but he wanted her to _live_ too.

“I miss you, Barry,” she repeated. “I _love_ you.”

Chills spread all over his body.

“I love you, too,” he rasped, his heart thundering in his chest. “Life without you is _hell_.”

“Then don’t live it without me!” she begged, letting the jacket fall to the ground as she wrapped her arms around his neck and somehow managed to pull him closer.

“Irisss,” he slurred, her nose brushing his chin as she breathed him in.

He was weakening, and he knew it. She was just so god damn intoxicating. It had been over a week since he’d been this close to her, since he’d been a breath away from kissing her. He was going out of his mind with the urge to wrap his arms around her and grant her unspoken wish by closing the remaining distance between them.

“It’s almost New Year’s,” she sniffled, and he knew if the tears weren’t running down her cheeks, they soon would be. “And I would really…really like if I could share my first kiss with you.”

She lifted her gaze to look at him, all the love that she had in her staring up at him. It stole his breath.

Almost unconsciously, his hand lifted to her face, and then the other. He could see the warmth and relief pass through her as he did so, her eyes closing and then opening again with a gentle smile.

God, it would be so easy to just forget again.

Her lips looked incredibly inviting; and her skin was soft, supple. He could imagine how their night could go, ending up at his place or hers, replacing a break-up scene with a make-up one, ravishing each other late into the night and early morning. Everything inside him ached to do exactly that.

One of her hands dropped to his waist; the other glided down his cheek. Her eyes dropped from his eyes to his lips and back again. He could’ve sworn the tip of her tongue darted out for a beat. Was she imagining the same ending to their night as he was?

“Don’t think, Barry,” she whispered.

So he didn’t.

He lowered his lips till they were a second away from brushing hers, to completing the journey to a happily ever New Year’s Eve, and maybe a fresh start for them.

But then –

Bzz.

He halted, his eyes opening to find Iris’ eyes wide open too. Her brows furrowed, and so did his.

Bzz. Bzz.

He felt the vibrations coming from his pocket and realized what was happening.

“I- I should take-”

“Right. Yeah. Of course.” She cleared her throat and pulled back as he turned away from her.

She wondered who could be calling him right now. It was terrible timing. She’d caught Barry finally. She’d convinced him to give them another chance – or at least seduced him into considering it. Maybe Linda was right. Maybe they didn’t even need to use a fake story to get his attention. She was doing it right now with her heart on her sleeve, being 100% honest about how she felt and what she wanted.

“What- Linda, I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

Horror whipped through Iris when she heard those words. There was only one reason Linda might be calling Barry tonight. She’d been unable to persuade Iris to come with her, and as far as she knew her best friend was alone on New Year’s Eve. She’d neglected to tell her that she was going to the STAR Labs party, because she’d been so on-the-fence about it until the very last second.

Her phone buzzed in her clutch. She had a horrible feeling, but to avoid the penetrating gaze Barry was now shooting straight at her – and it was not pleasant – she opened the purse and pulling out her phone. One text from Linda. Given she was currently on the phone with Barry, it must have been delayed.

**I’m telling him now. You’re not spending New Year’s alone!**

Iris closed her eyes in anguish. Her best friend was so sure – _so sure_ – she was doing her a favor, that this would work. But when she looked up at Barry again now, she knew it wouldn’t. He was furious. And since his fury was coming _after_ their heart-to-heart instead of before, anything she’d say now other than a denial would likely fall on deaf ears.

“Yeah, I’ll talk to her,” he said dryly into the phone. “Thanks for telling me, Linda.”

Click.

She swallowed hard, fighting to keep his eye contact, to stand still instead of running for the nearest escape.

“That was Linda,” he informed her, as if she hadn’t heard every word he’d just said to her. “She’s pretty freaked out about something you’re planning to do, asked me to stop you before it’s too late. I wanted to tell her there’s no way you would do something so stupid and reckless.”

She tensed, fury building in her again.

“But maybe that’s just who you are now,” he spat.

The moment had passed between them, but that hardly mattered, because Iris no longer had a desire to bring it back.

“I’m stupid?” she pushed. “If I’m so stupid, why did you ever date me in the first place?”

He scoffed and shook his head. “Don’t,” he warned.

“What? Don’t tell the truth?”

“Is this the truth, Iris?” he demanded, his voice rising. “You’re going to go undercover into one of the most dangerous underground gangs in the city and become romantically involved with the leader’s son in order to get information and exploit it in an article? Are you out of your mind?”

He was waving his hands around, enraged, but she was the one barely managing to control your temper.

“Would you have done this if we were still together?” he roared. “Would you have cheated on me for a _story_?” he scoffed.

In the back of her mind she shouted – _No! Of course not! I love you! I would never do that to you! You’re more important than anything!_

But she was too mad to tell the truth.

“Maybe I would have,” she said coldly.

The anger immediately drained from his face to reveal an intense sadness and a paled complexion. He couldn’t seem to find words. She couldn’t either. Regret heated her skin as the devastation remained immovable from him. There was nothing she could say though to erase the damage.

He took one step back, then two, almost stumbling over his own feet, but then he was gone and she was left there shivering in the cold; the only evidence that he’d been there was his jacket lying in a heap on the floor. She held back a sob, wiping away the unstoppable tears as the door to the roof opened again.

“Iris?” Cisco asked softly, a bowl of popcorn in his hands as Caitlin stood beside him with lights.

“I need to leave,” she said, speed-walking across the roof.

“Iris-”

“I can’t stay. I’m sorry.”

And then she was fleeing down the stairs with no other explanation, just grateful she didn’t run into HR with his awkward, inappropriate comments, because she could not deal with that right now. She held herself together well enough in the elevator but once inside her car she broke down.

_How could everything have gone so terribly wrong?_

They’d been on the verge of fixing everything, but now…

“Go to Hell, Barry Allen,” she huffed, but her heart was screaming.

_Come back to me. I love you._

Her head fell into her arms on the steering wheel, and she cried until she couldn’t cry anymore. Then she drove home.

…

 

At 11:45, Barry got a text from Linda, asking what had happened. He was still angry, but he’d calmed down a great deal, and so decided to call her to tell her what had transpired.

Much to his shock, in response she revealed how none of it had been true, how it had just been a ploy to get his attention because Iris thought he was avoiding her and she wanted to reconcile.

Guilt washed over him, and regret, but it didn’t change the words Iris had spewed back at him in her anger.

“She would never _cheat_ on you, Barry,” Linda insisted over the phone. “She loves you. I’m sure she was just angry.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said after a while. “Nothing has changed.”

He could practically hear her crumbling on the other end. She’d obviously put so much work into this plan of hers and Iris’, and here it had backfired more than either of them could have possibly anticipated.

“Barry-” she tried.

“I’m going to go see her.”

“What?” she asked, alarmed, probably very hesitant to be hopeful.

“To _talk_ ,” he emphasized. “I don’t expect things to work out, but it’s been several hours. Maybe we can…finish the conversation we started before you called.”

“You guys were-”

“I almost kissed her,” he admitted.

She gasped and then groaned. “God, I ruined everything.”

He wasn’t in the proper mindset to reassure her.

“Goodnight, Linda. Happy New Year’s.”

Her half-scoff, half-laugh was the last thing he heard before he hung up on her.

…

Standing on the porch of her apartment, Iris had never felt so alone. Not at any moment in the past week had she felt so terribly alone and heartbroken as she did right now. The words Barry had spewed at her had completely gutted her. She knew he was referring to what she would’ve done, not who she was, as being the stupid thing, but in her mind they amounted to the same thing. Her passion to find the truth was her identity. If he couldn’t accept that, he couldn’t accept her. It was a fatal blow no matter which way she looked at it.

And then yet again, the words ‘for a story’ shot at her with such disgust ricocheted off her, making her want to do all sorts of terrible things to him. In that moment, she wanted to hurt him in ways he’d never been hurt before. Of course, the second she attempted even one of those passing thoughts, the pain on his face served to stop anything further. He had hurt her, and she’d retaliated, but it wasn’t worth it. It never was. She just wanted it to end, but any ending she foresaw wasn’t one she could be happy with. Either she essentially stopped being an investigative journalist and got her loving boyfriend back, or she refused to back down and lost him possibly forever. She couldn’t imagine ever being as happy with anyone as she was with him, but if he couldn’t compromise even a little, she was better off without him.

_Are you though?_

She closed her eyes, aching inside all over again.

A sudden whoosh blew her hair around her face and the skirt of her dress she hadn’t yet taken off whipped around her legs. He stood in the shadows, but she knew who it was.

“Come to ridicule me again?” she spewed into the darkness. Her voice was cruel like before, but the hint of tears in it gave her away.

“Linda told me,” he said softly, taking a step towards her.

She turned towards him and leaned against the railing.

“She told you it was a lie?” she asked, eyebrow arched.

“One crafted to get my attention.”

She looked away. She wouldn’t deny it.

“I didn’t know she was going to tell you tonight.” She sighed. “The way thing’s were going, I was going to tell her to call the whole thing off.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he took a step closer.

“I’m sorry for the things I said.”

She looked over at him, studied his face and decided he was telling the truth.

“You don’t think I’m stupid?”

“No,” he insisted. “I never did. I think you’re extremely reckless, but you’re one of the smartest people I know. I was just…” he sighed. “I was just…”

“Angry,” she finished for him.

“Hurt.”

“You were hurt after-”

“No, I was hurt before. I was hurt that you might cheat on me for a story – and I know you wouldn’t. And I know any story is not ‘just a story’, but…”

“It’s not enough.”

He hung his head, pursed his lips, then said, “No. It’s not.”

She sniffled. “I can’t do this with you, Barry. I can’t do the back and forth.” She looked at him. “It’s killing me inside.”

“I know. It’s killing me too.”

“So, what do we do?” She folded her arms against herself. “Just…end it? Walk out of each other’s lives forever? You said earlier tonight I should come back to STAR Labs. I don’t see how I could possibly do that now.”

He sighed and wrapped his hand around the back of his neck.

“I don’t know how we’re going to move forward, Iris,” he admitted. “But what I do know is we can’t fix what’s broke when we don’t have the tools to do it.”

She huffed. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means… I love you with my whole heart. I always will. You will always be the love of my life. But that doesn’t mean we can make this work. No matter how badly we want to.”

She wiped away the tears running down her cheeks.

“So, why are you here then, Barry? Are you expecting an apology from me?”

“No. I know you didn’t mean what you said just like I didn’t.”

She let out another sigh by way of response. She wouldn’t argue that. He was right.

“ _I_ came to apologize,” he said.

“That’s it?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

She tried not to snap at him, but she knew the question hadn’t come across as merely curious.

“I came to give you your first kiss of the new year, Iris,” he said gently.

“And our last kiss,” she added. “This is how you end things.”

“Better than a screaming match at my apartment.”

She sighed shakily, but nodded. “Yes. Better than that.”

He lifted his watch to see the time.

“Almost midnight?” she asked.

He met her eyes.

“10…9…8…”

“7…6…5…”

“4…3…2…”

His lips covered hers, soft and sweet. His hands cupped her face, his fingers threading through strands of her hair. He slanted his mouth across hers while her hands slowly wrapped around his waist again and pulled him closer. He savored the moment even as his heart broke, knowing it would be their last.

Finally, Barry released her. He wiped away her tears, his eyes drinking her in as the sad smile swept across his face.

“N-No, Barry.” She grabbed hold of him before he could slip away from her. “Don’t go. I-I can’t. I-I can’t do this without you, I-”

He wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace as she cried into his shoulder.

“You’ll be fine,” he said, sounding stronger than he felt.

Iris relaxed enough to stand on her own and let him unwind from her.

“The Flash will save you if you’re not.”

She nodded and swallowed.

“Happy New Year, Iris,” he said, taking her hand in his and kissing the back of it.

“Happy New Year, Barry,” she sighed shakily.

A soft smile, a gentle nod from him, and then he was gone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this fic for a bit, since I'm going on a westallen-writing hiatus for the rest of this month. Two more WA fics will be posted this week, and then zilch till July. Just letting y'all know so you don't think I've abandoned this fic again, b/c I haven't! I hope you enjoy this installment, filler as it may be, and that it ties you over until the next update. ;)
> 
> *Many thanks to sendtherain for beta'ing.

Caitlin found him brooding in the cortex at three a.m. Stifling a sigh, she approached him. He didn’t look up at her, but she knew he knew she was there. She was impossible to miss, even without the sound of clacking heels to announce her entrance.

She stood patiently in front of him and waited.

He didn’t say anything; just continued to pout and move his fingers up and down the pencil his hands held in mid-air. His eyes were dead set on something in the distance, but nothing was there.

Finally, she rounded the table and took a seat beside him, crossing one knee over the other.

It was another full minute before he opened his mouth to speak.

“It’s late.”

She pursed her lips. “Mhmm.”

“You should be at home sleeping.”

“Some people are still out celebrating.”

He glanced over at her, half-confused, half-exasperated, and entirely unamused.

“The holiday?” she reminded.

“Right. The holiday.” Not a dawning revelation; a painful reminder. “Another holiday completely destroyed because Barry and Iris’ break-up was at the center of it.”

He whipped the pencil across the room and stood to his feet, clenching his hands in his hair.

She sighed. “Cisco…”

“I had it,” he continued, still tense. “I thought I had it, at least.” His hands fell to his sides as his voice lowered sadly. “Get them in the same space, have them dressed all snazzy, neither expecting the other …” He turned to face her. “It always seems to work so well in the movies.”

She smiled sadly. “But this isn’t the movies, Cisco.” She walked to his side and rubbed her hand up and down his arm. “This is real life. Barry and Iris are real people.”

“You think I should’ve left well enough alone? That I just should’ve been grateful Barry decided to come back to STAR Labs?”

She shrugged. “You meant well. And hey, it was good that for one night they weren’t avoiding each other. They were facing each other.”

“Facing each other in a screaming match,” he grumbled.

“I wouldn’t call it a _screaming_ match,” she said delicately.

“Cait, we could hear from the stairwell a floor down from the roof,” he spat, frustrated. Caitlin held her tongue. “At Joe’s Christmas party, Barry was missing and Iris was sad as hell. I try to play matchmaker on the next big holiday, and it blows up in our face. Why can’t I just-”

“Hey, hey.” She came to stand in front of him, locking her hands on his wrists that were swinging up in his rejuvenated frustration. “I was in on this too, don’t forget. We’re a team, Cisco. Sure, you wanted to get Barry and Iris back together, but I signed up to it. I helped you formulate a plan. I stood by you. And how they reacted tonight? That is not your fault. If they were here, they’d be telling you the exact same thing.”

“But they’re not here, are they?” he fumed.

She sighed and pulled him in for a hug. He didn’t resist.

“Oh, Cisco…”

He deflated and relaxed into her hold, eventually wrapping his arms around her the same she was around him.

“I couldn’t even keep the party going,” he mumbled.

“It was just you, me  and HR, Cisco. Wally and Joe hadn’t shown up yet, and HR was being…”

“-HR,” they both said simultaneously. Caitlin smiled a little.

“We tried, but-”

“I guess we got lucky that Jesse showed up wanting to take Wally to her earth for New Year’s…”

“And that Joe wasn’t in the partying mood with none of his kids present.”

She met his eyes, a dead-set glare in her direction. Her shoulders slumped.

“It’s not your fault, Cisco.”

He nodded and walked back to the chair he’d vacated.

“Maybe…maybe not.”

She looked down at him, wishing she could cheer him up somehow.

“What do we do now?” He looked up at her hopefully. “I mean…is Barry going to come back during the week? Will Iris? Ever? I feel like…” He looked down at his hands, absently playing with each other.

She came to sit beside him again.

“I don’t know, Cisco,” she said. “But it’s only been a few hours. Why don’t you give it a full twenty-four before you drown yourself in despair, huh?”

He looked up at her, his lips twitching but still not able to form a smile.

“I have wine at my place if you want to sleep over,” she teased.

He laughed. “We have champagne here.”

“Bring it!” She jumped to her feet. “We can use all the alcohol we can get.”

His brows furrowed, amused, as he joined her.

“Why? So we can have a massive hangover in the morning?”

“Nooo.” She grabbed his hand, snatched the full champagne bottle sitting all by its lonesome across the room and dragged him out of the room towards the elevator. “So we can forget this disastrous night even happened and remember better times.”

He followed her into the elevator. “Times when Barry and Iris were together?” he ventured.

“Times when it was just you and I,” she corrected. “When Ronnie couldn’t hang out for whatever reason, it was just us two and we stayed out at the bar, then grabbed ice cream before I got too drunk and wound up at my place playing Monopoly some movie neither of us were paying attention to because we were laughing too hard.”

“I laughed so I wouldn’t cry,” he informed her.

She chuckled. “Why would you cry?”

“Because you cheated at every board game we played and always mocked my favorite lines in the movies.”

She blinked. “Why’d you keep going out with me if I frustrated you so much then?” she asked, playing it off as curiously incredulous as she stifled the slight hurt cropping up.

He shrugged, pretending he didn’t notice.

“Because I liked you.”

She blinked, unsure how to take that.

He bumped her shoulder with his and then pressed the elevator button to go down.

“I still like you.”

Warmth spread through her, the prickle of ice receding into the depths of her body, and she smiled.

“Even though I cheated?”

“Only when you’re drunk,” he informed her. “When you’re sober you’re a stickler for the rules. It’s kinda funny actually.”

She smacked him lightly but couldn’t help but smile.

“I take it we’re not playing a board game tonight then?”

“Or watching a movie,” he assured.

She laughed. “What are we doing then?”

“Drinking and sleeping. Period.”

“What about popcorn?”

His eyes lit up and then fixed on hers. “You still have some?”

“I always keep an extra stash for you, Cisco,” she said, walking out of the elevator when the doors opened.

“Aww, Cait, I’m touched.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I have to buy extra because you eat it all before I get to it.”

He was quiet for a beat, then, “Yes to popcorn.”

She smiled, then stopped at her car and looked over at him.

“Why don’t you go grab some clothes from your place and meet me? I’ll have the alcohol and popcorn all ready for you.” She winked.

He grinned and then his parted lips slowly lessened.

“Hey, Caitlin.”

“Yeah, Cisco?” she asked, halting before she closed the car door.

“Thanks. The night doesn’t feel like a total waste anymore.”

She smiled softly. “You’re my best friend. It’s my job to make you feel awesome.”

He laughed, nodded, and saluted before she started her car and drove off.

“Mission accomplished.”

…

 

Iris went straight to her office and shut the door as soon as she had deposited the doctor’s slip on Scott’s desk and assured him she had a clean bill of health. He’d eyed the slip of paper skeptically, and she’d been half-tempted to tell him it’d all been a scam to get out of work. But he was her boss, and he probably wouldn’t take kindly to that – or getting freaked out that she might be contagious when she actually wasn’t. Regardless, her very healthy – if tired – appearance must’ve convinced him. He nodded his thanks, gave her first choice of the assignments for the week and then waved her out.

She did absolutely nothing for the next two hours. Well, she drank coffee. And she stared at her empty computer screen. But no brain activity happened, and no physical movement except for turning on her computer and slipping out of her heels. She sighed a few times, propped her chin on her hand and lost herself in the designs on her pen and the many empty lines on her notepad.

Truly, the only reason she didn’t call in sick another day was because at home she’d sleep the whole day away. At least here at some point she would have to be forced to work.

Apparently though, she would be forced to talk first.

A light knock on the door. She didn’t look up.

“I’m busy,” she drawled, twirling the unused pen between her fingers.

The door opened slowly, and she repressed a sigh.

“I come in peace,” the voice said hesitantly.

Iris looked up and forced a thin smile.

“Hey, Linda.”

“Hey, I-” She halted when she saw the three empty coffee cups littering her desk. “You look really tired for someone who should be jacked up on caffeine.” She set the fourth cup in front of her.

“I got decaf.”

Linda’s eyes widened.

“I know. It’s like I’m trying not to be alert.” She took a sip of the new beverage and smiled contentedly as the warm liquid traveled down her throat.

“Good?”

“Great.” She sat down the cup. “As was your doctor’s note for Scott. Thanks for that, by the way.” She threw the empty cups in the tiny trash bin under her desk.

“Any time.” Linda pulled a chair over and sat down in it. She licked her lips, trying to think of the perfect words to say as she watched her best friend idly play with the pen in her hand again before quietly sipping her drink. “Iris, I just wanted to say I am so-”

“It’s not your fault, Lin. You were trying to help, and I was on board with it. You did nothing wrong.”

“But if I hadn’t called-”

“We would’ve woken up together the next morning, got into a fight over breakfast, and he likely would’ve stormed out. At least this way we were open and honest with each other and ended things peacefully.”

“After he came by last night, you mean?”

She nodded and took another sip of her caffeinated drink.

“Yeah, after that.”

Linda sank back in her chair, thinking.

“So, what now?”

Iris shrugged. “Now I get back to work.”

“I mean, with-”

“I know what you meant, Lin.” She sighed. “Truthfully, I don’t know. It hasn’t even been a day. Maybe I’ll go back to STAR Labs eventually. Maybe I won’t. As much as I like Cisco and Caitlin…heck, even HR sometimes, they’re more Barry’s friends than they are mine. If I just focus on work and stick to you like glue, maybe I can get through this.”

“Well, you definitely have me,” she assured. “And not just for getting drunk on the weekends.”

Iris laughed. “Or after work every day too, right?”

Linda rolled her eyes. “Now you’re just exaggerating.”

Iris waited.

“Okay, I happen to like my alcohol, so sue me. I don’t overdo it.”

“You don’t,” she allowed. “So maybe you wouldn’t mind if we did pot brownies tonight instead.”

Linda’s jaw dropped, and she laughed.

“Iris Ann West, I didn’t know you ate pot brownies.”

She leaned forward.

“It’s the most dangerous I’ll ever get, so enjoy it while you can.”

Linda’s laugh was frozen in place for a beat too long, which luckily Iris didn’t notice. All the times Iris had risked her neck, dodging Linda’s questions regarding the safety precautions, she took came into view. She was very sure pot brownies weren’t the most dangerous thing Iris had done. But she didn’t want to bring that up right now, especially in light of recent events.

“And where shall we get the key ingredient?” she asked, forcing herself out of her thoughts enough to be amused by Iris’ suggestion.

“My dad arrested a guy this morning who had pot on him. I’m sure snagging a tiny bit of it for brownies won’t be a problem.”

Linda’s eyes widened. “Isn’t that…I don’t know…tampering with evidence?”

Iris winked and took a long swig of the coffee, successfully draining the cup. Then she wiped her mouth with her hand and not so subtly wiped it on her black dress pants, momentarily stunning Linda.

“Like I said, the most dangerous.”

…

 

Awake at six a.m. after a long restless night of sleep, Barry got the text while he was making himself some coffee.

**Are you okay?**

From Joe.

**Julian comes back today.**

The second text came before he could respond.

He groaned and texted back.

**_Thanks for the heads up._ **

Joe probably knew how he was doing. Even if he told him now, he would ask him again later. So, he settled for just addressing the most recent text. His heart was still aching from the events of the night before. He didn’t have the strength to get into it right now, even with his strongest support.

He arrived at CCPD miraculously before Julian did. Taking it two steps at a time, he made it to the lab and speed-cleaned his desk, so his critical co-worker couldn’t comment on it. _Probably still will_. He rolled his eyes at the thought. He had to at least _try_ to avoid confrontation or becoming overly irritable in front of his annoying co-worker.

For the next ten minutes, he sat at his desk trying to focus on something – anything. None of the files on his desk were meta-related, and no news of current crime on the streets was coming in. Not from Cisco and not anything he could overhear from downstairs when he passed by. It was a quiet day in Central City, which should have relieved him, but only served to stress him out further.

“Oh, I forgot how annoying you could be.”

Barry glanced up, saw the irritated look on Julian’s face and realized he’d been rapidly tapping his foot underneath his desk and his fingers on top of it. He stopped.

Julian rolled his eyes and set his bag on his desk, opening it and going through the contents.

“I had a great time at the conference by the way,” he said after a while. “Met some very influential people who were very impressed by my title.” He paused shuffling through his papers and looked across the room at him. “I took the liberty of saying I was mentoring a new recruit.”

Barry’s eyes narrowed faintly. “That’s me, I’m guessing.”

“Fresh out of college and eager to take on the world of forensic science under the reassuring guidance of esteemed head CSI of the CCPD.” He beamed, but the sarcasm was dripping from his voice.

“Glad you had a good time,” Barry said dryly, starting to flip through his own paper stack.

Suddenly a normal case sounded unbelievably pleasant when compared with hearing about Julian’s euphoric week away.

“It’s an annual event, so I’ll probably go back next year.”

Barry held his tongue. He’d been glad for Julian’s absence, but in _his_ memory he’d been working for the CCPD for far longer than Julian. Joe had meant well, but it was a blow to his ego. If he ever went himself, he would forever be known as the ‘college kid’ who was thrilled to have _Julian Albert_ mentoring him.

Just as Julian was opening his mouth to no doubt rub this fact in his face again, Barry heard footsteps coming down the hall and turned his head in that direction. Julian followed suit when he realized he’d lost his co-worker’s attention.

“Joe-”

“Detective West,” Julian interjected. “What can I do for you?”

 _We_ , Barry thought, disgruntled again from the brief interception of pleasant surprise and relief on seeing Joe materialize in the doorway.

“I’m…actually here for Barry,” Joe said, pointedly looking in his direction after making the statement clear to Julian. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, of course,” Barry said, rounding his desk and walking probably too fast to the hallway outside the lab.

They traveled a short distance until they could hear Julian shuffling papers around again, no longer interested on what was going on between them.

“What’s up?” Barry asked, folding his arms across his chest.

“How are you doing?” he asked, sounding concerned.

“How am I-” He blinked. “Joe, did you really pull me out of there just to ask-”

Joe raised an eyebrow.

“Which I am very thankful for,” Barry amended. He was.

“So?” Joe prodded.

Barry shrugged.

“I don’t know, Joe. Iris and I are broken up for real now. We’re done.”

“Is that what you want?” he asked.

“It’s the right thing,” he said. “Neither of us is willing to budge. It’s just not going to work between us.”

“Right now? Or ever?”

“Ever is a long time.”

He didn’t say anything for a beat, then –

“I’m just saying…it’s not as if you and Iris have only ever been a couple. And it’s not as if you fell in love with her yesterday. You’ve been best friends since you were kids and in love with her just as long. I’m not judging, but…how is it that you’ve never run into a problem before now that was enough to sever your relationship?”

Barry shrugged helplessly, no answers coming to him.

“I refuse to believe your relationship weakened when you started dating.”

“It didn’t,” he assured. “It was just different. Now it’s different again.” He took a breath. “Look, Joe, I appreciate your concern, for both of us. But I just…I’m okay. I’m okay enough to be at work, and I’m still going to go back to STAR Labs. I think I can do that. But talking about Iris and everything that’s happened…? I need a break from that.”

Joe nodded. “Understood.”

Barry forced a smile. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you later?”

“Sure.”

Later came at about 2:15 p.m. when Joe pulled him out of the lab again to ask him about tampering of evidence.

“We arrested a guy around nine a.m. this morning for having pot on him on top of speeding on the side streets; almost knocked a couple kids off the sidewalk. But I just went to check on the bag we took off him, and-”

“It’s missing?”

Joe nodded.

“All of it?”

“About half.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, long time no update, but it's finally here! This was a really hard chapter to get out. I just got totally stumped. I hope you'll enjoy though! I think I've got a good handle on where I'm going now. This chap is pretty Barry-centric, but worry not! The next chapter will be focused on Iris. :)
> 
> *Many thanks to sendtherain for beta'ing.

He probably should have seen it coming.

If he’d analyzed the way Joe had casually mentioned his dilemma or how he had set aside time in his day to do so, especially following a conversation about whether Barry was really done trying to fix things with Iris, he would have seen it clear as day.

Because while it wasn’t out of the ordinary for Joe to share his concerns with Barry on just about everything, or simply to tell him how his day was going, the issue of missing crime scene evidence was hardly his expertise.

Sure, you take Barry to a crime scene, ask him what happened, in a few short minutes – less than that now that he was a speedster – he could tell you. And it certainly never hurt to have another pair of eyes. Plus, Barry would never complain about being separated from Julian from any amount of time.

But after doing his own speedy search around the precinct, Barry found all he needed in the security footage taken that morning. His ex, Iris West, sneaking into her dad’s desk, emptying some of the drug into her own zip lock bag, and dashing out of the station as if no one had been the wiser.

What’s worse was Barry could see a man running to find Joe in that same camera view moments after he’d left. Barry recognized him as the security guy that ran the cameras during the morning hours. There was no doubt what his mission was because after he’d gotten a moment of Joe’s time and they’d conversed and parted, Joe looked straight up into the camera that had been recording them with disappointed resignation, and then what appeared to be an ‘aha’ moment. Barry could practically see the light bulb forming and turning on above his head.

He’d been set up.

What’s worse was he didn’t even get the chance to tell Joe he knew and that he wasn’t going to fall for it because their eyes met once when he stepped out of the security cameras room and immediately Joe left the building.

There was no way for Barry to know if Joe had shared his secret plan with anybody else in the station – or out of the station for that matter. All he knew was that the drug was still missing. He’d seen the pictures before the drug had been tucked away into his desk, and he saw it before he checked the security cameras. There was clearly product missing.

All he could do now was track down Iris way sooner than he’d ever meant to and retrieve the drug before it was inhaled into her system. Not the usual way, of course. Iris was no druggie, even if she liked to get creative with her favorite sugary treat. Barry just had to make sure he snagged that unique ingredient before it was dumped into the brownie mix she probably already had in her possession.

He tried to focus on a lecture he could deliver, how he could be all business, just coming to collect, the pick-up delivery guy for the CCPD; not the ex-boyfriend who was incredibly tender with her the last time they’d seen each other and who was still achingly, devastatingly, madly in love with her.

He didn’t want to have to face her publicly though. He’d go to her apartment instead of CCPN.

Or maybe…

He stopped, remembering something Joe had told him a few days after they’d first broken up.

_“Iris has Linda to confide in and help her cope.”_

He shook his head and scoffed, then pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Of course,” he muttered, quickly finding his other ex’s name in his contacts and pressing the call button. One ring, two, and then she picked up. Her initial silence on the other end told him loud and clear that she was very hesitant to answer. Maybe Iris was already with her.

“Hello?”

“Linda. Is Iris with you?”

She cleared her throat, then her voice became muffled as she made some sort of excuse to someone she was obviously with. Next thing he knew, there was the near slam of a door and then her heated voice on the receiver again.

“Barry, what are you doing? Why are you calling me?”

His brows furrowed.

“I’m…I’m with Iris.” She paused for a sec and all her anger seemingly melted away. He knew she was suddenly contemplating the very thing Joe had probably been hoping for. “Wait, are you going to try to-”

“No.” He shut that down. “I’m calling because Iris stole some drugs from the precinct, and I need to get them back before anyone other than Joe notices.”

He could practically hear her frowning on the other end.

“She told me she only took a little.”

He was amused. “She took half the bag, Linda.”

A shocked silence, then, “Damn.”

“I need it back, Linda,” he said, breaking through the sheen of pride welling in her voice. “She tampered with evidence. A detective’s daughter or not, she can’t just break the law.”

“Why not, Barry? Don’t you guys do that all the time?”

He scoffed. “For the greater good. And not all the time.”

“Well, this is for Iris’ greater good. And it’s only once.”

“Linda-”

“Come on, Barry-”

“It’s evidence!” He forced himself to lower his voice since he was outside. “This isn’t something you can just put back when you’re done with it,” he said, softer now.

The shocked silence on the other end told him that maybe she was starting to take the situation seriously.

She sighed, resigned but understanding, and he knew he’d interpreted correctly.

“What do I tell her?” she asked.

He ran a hand through his hair, grateful she was cooperating, but still not sure how to proceed with the situation.

“Distract her,” he said.

“With what?”

“I don’t know. You’ve been distracting her for the past week, haven’t you?”

“With alcohol.”

“There you-”

“She doesn’t want any more of that. That’s why she decided on pot brownies tonight.”

“Go out for a movie.”

“She wants to stay in.”

“Get take out and take her with you to get it.”

“Okay, did you not just hear-”

“Lin-”

“Oh, I know!”

_Thank God._

“I’ll order pizza.”

His brows furrowed.

“And you’ll be our delivery boy.”

“Linda, I don’t think-”

“Don’t worry. I’ll come to the door, and we can make the exchange.”

“Let me guess,” he drawled. “I’m paying for the pizza.”

“It’s the least you could do,” she said sweetly, and he scoffed.

“Fine,” he managed.

“What are you giving me in exchange?”

He thought for a beat. “Sugar.”

“Sugar?” she asked, exasperated. “There’s already sugar in brownies. It’ll taste all wrong. She’ll know something’s up. Besides, I’m guessing she’s had pot brownies before. She’ll taste the difference.”

“She’s had them one other time in her life years ago,” he told her. “In college.”

“Let me guess, another bad break-up?”

His brows narrowed. “She failed an exam.”

There was a pause on the other end. “Not a bad break-up?”

“No,” he said, aggravated. “To my knowledge, her only other bad break-up was with Eddie.”

“Right. Eddie.”

_Her almost fiancé who killed himself to save you and everyone you love._

A wave of guilt washed over him. He wondered if he’d ever stop feeling guilty about that. Not even Flashpoint had prevented that inevitability.

“No other guys then?” she ventured.

He felt his free hand clenching into a fist by his side and knew he needed to end this conversation asap. It was bad enough that things hadn’t worked out between him and Iris and eventually she would wind up in the arms of someone who wasn’t him. He didn’t need the walk down memory lane of all the guys she’d been involved with before him.

“Isn’t that something you should be asking her?” he ground out.

“Whoa. Settle down there, tiger. I was just asking.”

He pulled away from the phone for a few seconds to take some slow, deep breaths. When he pressed the device back up against his ear, Linda’s tone had clearly altered.

“Come by in half hour,” she said. “I’ll make the brownies, so she won’t be suspicious. Maybe the extra sugar will give her a sugar high that will make her think she’s on drugs. The idea is for her to think that. That’s how a placebo works, right?”

Grateful for no longer having to explain himself, he nodded, belatedly realizing she couldn’t see him.

“Right.”

“Okay then. See you in thirty.”

She ended the call before he could, and honestly, he was grateful. He didn’t have the energy to force more polite conversation. He could feel sweat gathering at his temple and back of his neck just at the prospect of having only a door between himself and Iris again.

It took about thirty seconds for him to realize Linda hadn’t given him a pizza order. He tried to recall Iris’ favorite, but he was even drawing a blank on that. Luckily, not a minute later, without any prodding from him, Linda texted him that she’d called the order in for him to pick up.

He could relax now.

The pounding of his heart inside of his chest that he heard so loudly in his ears told him he wouldn’t though. Not by a long shot.

…

To avoid getting sweat all over the zip lock bag containing the sugar, Barry stuffed it in his pants pocket.

Thirty minutes later, on the dot, he showed up at Linda’s apartment building. He texted before walking down the hall, just to be sure Iris wouldn’t be the one to pop out, but she gave the okay.

One knock on the door, and it swung wide open. His eyes immediately scanned the room till he could see Iris lying on the couch; his heart nearly bounded out of his chest.

“Barry,” Linda whispered so Iris wouldn’t hear her. She stood directly in front of him in an attempt to block his line of sight. It wasn’t super successful since she was still much shorter than he was, especially out of her heels, but clearing her throat seemed to get his attention. Finally, he looked down at her.

“Oh. Right. Sorry.” He kept his voice low then pulled the bag of sugar out of his pocket and handed it over to her along with the pizza box. She gave him the bag of drugs in exchange.

“Is this all of it?” he asked, not overly concerned, but he thought he should ask just so he wouldn’t have to do a return visit.

“That’s all she brought over,” Linda said. “If there’s anything else, I’ve got no idea where she put it.”

He nodded. “This looks like all of it.”

He closed his hand around the bag to feel the weight of it and then dropped it into his pocket.

“Thanks, Linda. I appreciate it.”

“Of course.” She started to step back into the apartment.

“Oh, can I just ask…”

She halted.

He swallowed. “What did you do?”

Her brows furrowed.

“What did you distract her with?”

“Oh.” An amused laugh slipped through. “Turns out she did want wine, after all.”

He blinked and then let his own amused chuckle tumble passed parted lips.

“Goodnight, Barry.”

She stepped back again and started to close the door once more.

“Night, Linda.”

Alone in the hallway again, he took his time walking outside, then stood still as he breathed in the chilly January air. A heartbeat later he was in the precinct, grateful people were still there but not too many of them. He emptied the contents back into the evidence bag and found Joe staring at him from across the room when he finished.

“You found it?” Joe asked, meeting him at his desk.

“Joe,” he said, no explanation necessary.

He sighed. “I had to try, Bear.”

Barry thought about the lecture he very much wanted to give, but he hadn’t given one to Cisco or Caitlin or Linda. It wouldn’t be fair to Joe to make him the exception.

“I know,” he said instead.

“I’ve wanted you two together since you were kids. Since you shyly asked me if you could marry my daughter at nine years old.”

Barry swallowed. He’d forgotten that. He wished things were different, that they were reminiscing about his pretend wedding to Iris because he was going to marry her for real.

“I just…I can’t believe this is really the end for you two.”

Barry wanted to reassure him. He’d been so steadfast and strong in the days when being with Iris was some faraway dream he never thought could become a reality, when she was with Eddie and when she wasn’t. It was unfair to Joe too to not be able to reap the reward for being patient for so long, for keeping his secret until he was ready to tell it.

But he just couldn’t tell him that they would come back from this. Because he didn’t know how they would or could. And no one that had tried to push them back together actually had a solution that went beyond sticking them in the same room to talk things out. They’d tried talking and inevitably decided even that wouldn’t be enough. This was just how things were now.

“I assume Iris is with Linda tonight,” he said, and Barry was grateful for the slight change in topic.

He nodded.

“Do you want to come over for dinner?”

He’d said no the first time. He was tempted to say no again, just in case Joe found himself unable to resist discussing the unsolvable dilemma that was getting his kids back together again. Plus, there was Wally to consider. Cecile might be coming over too. Joe had been dating the DA for a few months. From all appearances things were still casual, but enough time had passed that that could easily change.

“I don’t know, Joe,” he said to fill up the silence.

The thought of an empty, cold apartment to go home to wasn’t particularly appealing either.

“Come on, son. Cecile is spending the evening with her daughter. I don’t know if Wally is back yet, but even if he is, I promise he’s not holding some grudge against you for what happened with Iris.”

Hesitantly he looked at him. Wally was the one person he hadn’t really faced since his break-up with Iris. Barry knew in his years growing up with Iris he’d wanted to make any guy who hurt Iris pay, even if he didn’t have the strength to do it. And he and Wally weren’t exactly close, even if learning he was the Flash had softened some of the tension between them. Barry berating him for running into the street without speed had created another speed bump.

Of course, that was months ago. Close to half a year. But when you’re really mad about something, things you thought you were over and had put behind you had a tendency to pop up again.

“He looks up to you,” Joe interrupted his depressing thoughts.

Barry laughed humorlessly.

“He does,” Joe insisted. “You know, I hope he is back.”

Barry’s eyes widened as he turned to look at him.

“I didn’t say I was coming.”

“But you are,” he said. “It’s been over a week since you’ve had a home-cooked meal. What have you been eating? Big Belly Burger?”

Barry opened his mouth but only senseless sounds tumbled out.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. No wonder you’re so tired. Running around saving bad guys day in and day out, your heart aching, and nothing but burgers and fries fueling your system.”

He threw an arm around his shoulders and guided him toward the elevator. Without really thinking, Barry let him.

“Cisco’s been giving me those carb bars at STAR Labs.”

“Oh yeah, I heard. We’re almost out.”

“That’s not-”

“Bartholomew Henry Allen.”

Barry’s mouth snapped shut.

“Let me cook my boy dinner, okay?”

Barry sighed and nodded.

“Oh!” Joe pulled out the buzzing phone in his pocket just as the elevator doors opened. “Looks like it’ll be _boys_.”

Barry’s brows furrowed.

Joe answered the call with a smile on his face.

“Hey, Wally! Are you back?” A pause. “Great.” Another pause. “Of course, I’m making dinner. Just leaving the precinct now.” Another slightly longer pause. “Yeah, sure, that’s fine. See you then.”

“You didn’t tell him I’m coming.”

Joe smiled to himself and looked at him.

“I thought you weren’t.”

Barry blinked, confused again, until Joe nudged him with his elbow enough to make him smile.

“There’s the smile I’ve been missing.”

Slowly, it subdued.

“Are you sure I should be coming, Joe?”

“Wally needs to see you, Barry,” he said seriously. “He needs to know that your relationship with him isn’t dependent on the one you have with his sister.”

Barry swallowed and nodded. That he understood.

…

The lights were on in the house when Joe and Barry stepped outside of Joe’s car in the driveway.

Barry could feel his heart pounding again. Not like when he’d been on the brink of seeing Iris again and wondering how he could possibly get out of it. It wasn’t a heart-aching, devastating pull towards devastation with that little bit of yearning to pretend everything was fine when it so obviously was not. But it was pretty nerve-wracking all the same. Especially since Joe had told him Wally had been with Jesse for the holidays. Way to come home from a high like that to the guy who broke your sister’s heart. Barry’s presence alone was going to totally ruin his night.

He was starting to feel sick.

Stepping through the door into the warmth of the home didn’t reverse the chill in his bones. Instead, it intensified.

“Jesse,” Joe said surprised. “Wally didn’t tell me you were coming.”

Wally was glaring at Barry from across the room.

“Seems you kept something from me too, Dad,” Wally said.

“I-I can go,” Jesse said quickly.

“No!” All three men said simultaneously.

Her mouth snapped shut.

“Well, I’m going to freshen up,” she said and pushed passed Wally before he could grab her hand to stay right there beside him.

Joe shrugged out of his jacket and kicked off his shoes, watching Wally like a hawk as Barry lingered in the doorway.

“I’m going to get started on dinner,” he said and walked into the kitchen. “You boys behave yourself.”

Neither said a word, but they both knew what he meant – Barry, no running; Wally, no fighting.

Silence lingered for the longest time. Wally kept glaring. Barry kept avoiding eye contact. Joe and Jesse remained far enough away to not interact with without leaving the room but close enough that they could intervene if necessary.

“Are you just going to stand there?” Wally finally asked.

Barry finally met his eyes, but he said nothing, just waited. He waited for all the accusations and for the demand to leave. Because if he told him to go, he was going to go.

“Well?” he demanded, his voice rising a little.

Barry told himself he was the adult here, the mentor, the Flash. He needed to overcome this intimidation and be grown up enough to confront the issue. Whatever happened here, it needed to be dealt with if they were ever going to move forward.

He walked into the living room so that they were standing face-to-face.

“Wally, I’m sorry I-”

“Don’t.”

He paused, brows furrowing.

“Don’t say you’re sorry you broke up with my sister unless you mean it.”

Barry pursed his lips, his hands slipped into his pockets.

“I’m not sorry I broke up with your sister.”

Wally’s eyes watered. “On _Christmas Eve_?” he raged.

Barry winced. “That I _am_ sorry for.” He sighed. “I’ve never had particularly good timing, though.”

“So what are you sorry for?” he finally asked.

Barry blinked. “What?”

“You were about to say you were sorry about something. If it’s not for breaking up with my sister, what is it?”

He paused a moment, contemplating.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.”

Wally’s brows furrowed. “Huh?”

“I thought you were gonna hate me,” he said. “I broke your sister’s heart. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I broke my own heart at the same time. I didn’t think I could take everyone hating me, so I avoided people as long as I could.”

“So what changed?” he asked, somewhat softer than what he’d been moments earlier.

“Your dad promised food.”

Wally fought a smile, but it slipped out anyway. One fell passed Barry’s lips too, but then he sobered up.

“Do you hate me, Wally?” he asked quietly.

Wally crossed the room to him and stopped.

“I don’t like that my sister is hurting. I don’t like that it’s because of something that happened between the two of you.”

Barry nodded, understanding. “I know.”

“But…I also know that you love her more than anything.”

Barry met his eyes, surprised by that observation.

“I don’t think you would have broken up with her unless you felt you had no other choice.”

“I wouldn’t have,” Barry said, still processing.

Wally took a breath, then held out his hand.

“We’re family, right?” he asked, his hand slightly shaking, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as if he was afraid of being contradicted.

Barry took his hand and grasped it firmly, shutting down any doubts.

“Right.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Wally saw Jesse watching the two of them with a sweet look in her eye that he knew would later be accompanied with teasing and he’d silence with kisses.

“Don’t,” he started, but she was beside him in three steps and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“You boys are so cute.” She glanced over at Barry. “I’m glad you made up.”

Barry looked at Wally, amused.

Wally held up his hand to stop any teasing from the scarlet speedster.

“Don’t-”

“Can I help you with anything, Joe?” Jesse asked, as she entered the kitchen.

Some murmuring followed as Joe gave her instructions on what she could do.

“She’s a keeper,” Barry said, smiling now.

Wally had a rebuttal on the tip of his tongue. It was about to spill out, and it would’ve burned Barry good. But the burn wouldn’t have been taken lightly, and so he kept his mouth shut. It was too soon after they’d made amends; it didn’t match the new peace between them.

So instead he said, “She is,” with a bit of a forced smile on his face.

But Barry could see those first words in his eyes even as different ones rolled off his tongue.

 _So is my sister_.


End file.
